New Snowden Leaks Reveal NSA Spying at One Spark Festival

 

Mocsow, RUS

The global crowdfunding community was shocked to learn yesterday that One Spark, the world’s first crowdfunding festival, had been the target of NSA spying. According to the documents leaked by exiled NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden, the surveillance at One Spark included the monitoring of festival goers’ voting habits, wholesale collection of personal data of all One Spark Creators, total blanketing video and audio surveillance of Downtown Jacksonville and even a mobile command center disguised as a food truck.

The NSA released a statement yesterday claiming that only so-called “meta data” was recorded, not the actual content of festival interactions. For instance, if a user voted for a creator project which seeks funding to create new ice cream flavors for pets, the NSA only recorded that the user made a vote. It did not record whether it was a yes vote for pet ice cream or a no vote.

 

Mayor Alvin Brown Shaved Off His Mustache Because He Thought It Made Him Look Gay

It has recently been made known to this reporter that Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown used to have a mustache as recently as 2006, but in an attempt to never look gay shaved it off. These recently leaked photos of the mayor confirm that Mayor Brown used to actually have a mustache but then became concerned of the risk of perhaps appearing gay, an assumption he could not stand.

Mr. Brown, an outspoken critic of the “gay agenda” was recently, as recent as 2007, seen playing tennis, a known athletic recruitment arena of the gay agenda, and wearing a black mustache, which was recently shaved in an attempt to cement a hetero-elite ranking and victory in the polls.

More details to follow as they happen. Stay tuned.

Angela Corey Tries to Get Pizza Hut Guy Fired | Leaked Phone Transcript

Recently, Angela Corey embarrassed the entire state of Florida by calling Harvard and trying to get some professor bro fired who had been vocally critical of her treatment of George Zimmerman. Jacksonville Jerk has obtained this exclusive leaked telephone transcript of Corey trying to get the Pizza Hut guy fired.

Pizza Hut Girl: Thanks for calling Pizza Hut. Will this be pick up or delivery?

Corey: Neither. Manager please.

Pizza Hut Girl: Ma’am, is there something I-

Corey: Put your manager on now!

Pizza Hut Girl: Yes ma’m.

[Two minutes pass. Corey sighs loudly 4 times. You can hear the TV program “The Bachelorette” in the background.]

Corey: (in a tooth-clenched whisper) Just pick Ryan you prissy little cunt, like any of those other Nancies can take care of you and Ricki. The last thing you need is another motherfucking racecar driver in your life, though I would be really surprised if that nancy-boy is a real-life racer and not some Hollywood-

Pizza Hut Manager: I’m sorry for the wait. What seems to be the problem?

Corey: Where to start? Ok. Let’s start with the P’zone. First off, the P’zone tasted like my ass. Exactly like my own ass. Did yall fucking bastards create some kind of ass-munching analysis machine to synthesize the taste of my ass so you could feed it back to me in p’zone form? If you did, then fuck you. I need to speak to your fucking supervisor.

Pizza Hut Manager: I am the manager ma’am. The buck stops-

Corey: Lookit here tenderoni. You couldn’t manage a boner in a Beijing butt-house, let alone a decent pizza enterprise. Now, I am not going to just roll over and deal with this piss and shit food yall sent to my house. I’m trying to watch the god-dang Bachelorette over here, which I’ll admit had me queasy from the get-go. Queasy yes. But queasy-horny. Not quesy-pukey. After this butt-flavored P’zone your pimply little delivery driver tried to force feed me, I have literally been strapped into the puke-a-tron like the part on Total Recall when they strap Arnold into that chair to implant his memory and then he rages out all those pencil-necks and they have to sedate the shit out of him. Yes, what was your name again manager?

Pizza Hut Manager: Terry.

Corey: Terry, that was what it was like to eat your P’zone. Now, I’m going to give you exactly 30 seconds to resign your position as Pizza Hut Manager before I send a SWAT team to remove you by force. This aint the fucking hallowed halls of Lady Harvard, ok. This is Jackson-motherfucking-ville. If I want someone to go down. They go down. They go down hard. They go down exactly how I tell them to go.

Pizza Hut Manager: Ma’am can I offer you a complimentary bottle of Pepsi and stuffed crust pizza?

Corey: Listen Junior, I will be the only one stuffing crust here. Got that? I’ve been stuffing crust since before you were born. Understand? Put me on speaker and gather your stoned-out sub-moron staff. [addressing the entire pizza crew] Can everyone hear me? Alright then. Listen up. Terry has been fired. He has been fired by me, Angela Corey State Attorney. Now pull his pants down and everyone spank him til he leaves or cries or both. Go get the pizza peel and spank him with that. Now make him eat a P’zone. Oh yeah! Alright alright. That’s enough. Yall figure out who’s in charge now and Terry get the fuck out. Don’t come back for your check, they’ll mail it to you and you can keep your Pizza Hut shirt because it probably looks like shit like you. Now get out.

Corey: Awshit the commercials are over. Back to my stories.

[Click, dial tone]