Category Archives: deal with it

Every State Is Worse Than Florida

google-search-map2

 

Time to deal rest of USA. Only Florida represents hard on this internet map some dork made by analyzing some google data or some such crap I don’t care about and don’t respect enough to post a link to. I take that back. I made this map. I made it based on my personal opinions of the 50 states. My opinion of GA is “butt implants.” CT = Wu Tang Clan.

And Florida, the best place in the world, reps Mazda Miata. I love you map guy, AKA me.

 

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Casual Friday Mix-up: Mayor Brown Accidentally Wears Wife’s “Bongo” Jeans To Work

According to sources inside City Hall, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown showed up for work last Friday wearing women’s jeans.  “They were definitely Bongo jeans”, says one city worker, “they were white jeans and they had the high waist and the button fly and everything.”  Mayor Brown’s Chief of Staff, Chris Hand, confirmed the report.  “At first, when I saw Mayor Brown from behind, I was like ‘damn, look at that ass!’.  I mean, the jeans contoured the shape of the Mayor’s buttocks so that they looked like, honestly, one of the finest female asses I have personally ever seen.  I have to admit it, I was totally sprung.”

In response to the mix-up, Casual Friday has been cancelled for all City of Jacksonville employees until further notice.  When questioned about the incident, Mayor Brown made assurances that he is a man, and that in most circumstances he wears men’s clothing.  “People of Jacksonville, I would like to make understood that what happened on Friday was not intentional”, the Mayor stated at a press conference on Tuesday, “It was a mistake that I deeply regret and that I do not intend to repeat.  Somehow, during normal laundry activities, my wife’s pants became integrated with my own pants.  I am hereby suspending Casual Fridays at City Hall until I can be sure that no more of my wife’s Bongo or Jordache jeans are mixed in with my Wranglers, my Rustlers, my Apple Bottoms and my Baby Phats.”

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Mayor Brown Rushes Home from DNC to Attend H&M Opening at Avenues

“We are entering a new era in mall fashions,” Mayor Brown addressed the gathered crowd of shoppers awaiting the opening of H&M this morning at the Avenues Mall.

“Under this administration, you will not, I repeat not, have to drive to Orlando to purchase mid-quality seasonal fashion items from an H&M store. You will do it right here on Jacksonville’s South Side!”

Mayor Brown turned down requests for photograph for fear he would look gay.

 

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Monday Morning Gif Roundup

Hey dudes!

I spent all weekend, like 72 hours straight, scouring the internet for the hottest new gifs.

Here they are!!!!!!!!!

Dear Technology,

When will you allow us to put .gifs on t-shirts? Why is this too much for you to handle? We want it all. We want it all. And we want it now. 

Cheers,

J. Jerk

Ps, I lied. I did not find these .gis on the internet. I found them in a folder named “top finishers” on the desktop of Tarlton Samuels’ computer. Well, at least we know now to what Tarlton finishes. Thanks, T$!

Seriously, though, why couldn’t it have been Dennis Miller that got cut down in his prime instead of Phil Hartman? Fuck Dennis Miller. He aint funny. His shit is lame. RIP PH.

One more time for the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Tarlton Samuels is a pale man with more Dungeons and Dragons-themed tattoos than you would believe. He and his dog “Puffie” share an Avondale garage apartment, subsisting on a diet of off-brand cheese curls and dryer lint from the laundr-o-mat.

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CM Yarborough Leaves Convertible Top Down, Shania Twain CD Ruined by Rain

In what can only be described as a tragedy, Jacksonville City Councilman Clay Yarborough forgot the top was down on his 2004 Volkswagen Beetle Convertible and today’s afternoon rainstorm completely ruined all of his Shania Twain CDs.

“It must have been like 4 or 5 really good Shania Twain CDs that were totally ruined by the rain,”  lil’ queenie estimated, “and all the good ones too, but it’s ok because the car seats are leather so I can wipe of the seats and not get my bumbum wet.”

The last time the councilman’s “bumbum” got wet, it took his pastor almost 2 hours to help get him cleaned up.

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Art Walk Canceled Because Art Is Gay

Jacksonville, FL

In an unprecedented mayoral decree, Alvin Brown canceled tonight’s scheduled Art Walk because, as he put it: “art is gay.” Mayor Brown explained “sure we want business and activity downtown, but not that kind, you know that kind,” as he made a limp-wristed hand gesture. “Besides,” the mayor continued, “There’s nowhere to park downtown.”

Tarl Peterson, an ambassador employed with Downtown Vision concurred, “yeah, it’s pretty gay, you know, art in general is just about as gay as it gets. I think we could do better with a Sports Walk or maybe a Guns Walk. That’d be a lot less gay.”

Representatives of art or the gays could not be reached for comment, but are expected to protest the cancelation by going anyway.

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Testarossa Autodrive by Kavinsky

Viva la France!

Vive l’Autobahn!

Viva la Discotheque!

Deal with this shit FUCKERZZZZZ!

Who the fuck is Kavinsky? I son’t know, maybe a zombie DJ from 1986 reanimated to shred prog disco for the 2006?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe it’s just Busy P or someother Frenchass mother fuckiers side proj.

Oh sheeeit.

It’s tighter than your main proj.

Tight like the jaws of life.

The jaws of death.

Dig it in all it’s 2-minute glory.

This dude is sick + there’s lot o mad-sick remixes of this joint and all his other joints. Put it in your Jetta or whatever other girl car you drive and try to score some putty-tacng 2nite. bitchezzzzzzz.

 

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Burt Reynolds Is Better than You

Start at 3:00

I could literally watch that 10 times back-2-back.

They are thirsty in Atlanta? Well, why didn’t you say so?

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Don Redman Mocked on Car Talk

NPR listeners were shocked last Saturday to hear Jacksonville Councialman and human punchline Don Redman mocked on the air by Car Talk hosts Tom and Ray. When Mr. Redman called in with a question about his 1987 Chevy Astrovan’s ignition system, he got much more than he bargained for.

“Well, the first thing I would do,” Tom explained “is remove all 6 spark plugs and then shuv them up your ass. Right up your ass.”

“Come on, Tom,” Ray chimed in, “Seriously, you will need a torque wrench. Take your torque wrench and de-torque all of your head bolts. De-torque them all right on down to zero pounds-feet each. Then take all of the head bolts and shuv them right up your ass.”

Then Tom was like “Seriously, that is so stupid and so totally wrong. Don’t do that, do this. Crank the engine. Run the engine at idle for like 5 – 10 minutes or until the engine is warmed up. While seated in the driver seat, test all interior accessories starting with the windshield wipers. Test the radio, test the air-conditioner. test the horn even. Keep the engine running this whole time. Test the turn signals, the headlights. Test the interior lights. Open the glove box and shut it. Then, kill the engine. Get out and get a hack saw. Saw off the termial 6 inches of the exhaust pipe. Use gloves as it will be extremely hot. Then shuv it up your ass. It will sound like  tssssssssssssssssssssss.”

Then, out of nowhere, the Car Talk hosts just hung up on Mr. Redman and went over the answer to last week’s puzzler.

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