Category Archives: cewl

What Yall Are Jaggin it to Tonight: This Troll lady

If you have cable TV, you might be acquainted with a show called My Crazy Obsession. If not, you just run across crap like this on the internet like I do. Enjoy the clip. It might be your best 2 minutes of the day. And I guarantee that even if you don’t pop a sexual boner, you will at the very least pop an absurd humanity boner.

TLC is not really a learning channel anymore. It is a learning about freaks channel. Well I guess that’s a type of learning.

I need a beer.

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Councilman Don Redman in Drag Wields Massive Black Dildo

Councilman Don Redman

Councilman Don Redman

Jacksonville, FL-  Last night’s city council meeting began no different than any other, but the evening took a turn for the bizarre when Councilman Don Redman (R-Districy 24) arrived.

As Redman was running late, a boy scout in attendance had volunteered to lead the Council and audience in prayer, a job typically reserved for Redman, the council chaplain.

“Go sit down junior,” Redman growled at the boy as he struggled to reach the height of his chair. “We need bigboy prayers, tonight.”

Skipping the prayer entirely and seizing the floor from mealy-mouthed Council President Will Bishop, Redmon went on to explain the Extreme Gay Dangers facing our community. The councilman used his makeup and a giant black dildo to demonstrate how quickly a nice Christian can be hoodwinked and “hood-twinked” by the underground queer syndicates gripping our city.

Eventually everyone left and Redmon just stood at the podium weeping in the dark.

A council source reported that they “will probably just hold another meeting tomorrow and not tell Redmon.”

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Brown Announces New Downtown Revitalization Plan: Wait for Someone Else to Do It

I am a forreal dude. I have several suits.

I am a forreal dude. I have several suits.

If you didn’t know. You had better ask somebody. Everybody knows that Mayor Brown’s Downtown Investment Authority is slammin and jammin. They are kicking butt and chewing gum but they’re all out of gum, to put it in the parlance of our times.

In spite of a handful of naysayers who try to call the DIA’s first 6 months in existence an exercise in doing absolutely nothing, it looks like its strategy is working. In spite of the deal’s relatively nonexistent involvement, collaboration, advisement, or maybe even foreknowledge by the City, I think we can all call this deal a huge victory for Brown.

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Tom Kruse

 

There is nothing clever for anyone to say about Tom Kruse. NOTHING.

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Butt 2 Face

Check out this kid punking the shit out of Damien and Ralph.

That is stone cold.

Also, don’t rub it, be a man!!!!!!!!!

This clip is from Disney’s Bank Check. So claims the internet. I know I saw this movie back in the day but don’t remember anything about it. Now, the internet has given me 1 part to remember.

Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-Butt-to-face-

Did anyone else have an old-school Mac back in the day. I had a classic. I held onto it forever. It was a good computer.

Have a pleasant morning.

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Bean and Weinstein Attend Chick-Fil-A Kiss-In to Support Gay Rights

Weinbean Unit 1

Weinbean Unit 2

Jacksonville, FL

Today marks a new era for political campaigning in Jacksonville. For a brief moment, the two top contenders for the Florida State Senate’s District 4 laid down their arms and came together to send a message of peace to the forces of hatred. Even though both Aaron Bean and Mike Weinstein are campaigning hard to win the votes of Jacksonville’s conservatives, the two “just had to stand up today for what is right and for what makes America great,” Bean said outside of the Roosevelt Blvd Chick-Fil-A this afternoon holding hands with Mike Weinstein.

The pair then proceeded to pull slowly towards one another into a very forced looking embrace. As they stood in front of the gathering crowd, staring into each other’s eyes, their stiff demeanor began to melt and Bean laid his head on Weinstein’s shoulder. As a car in the parking lot rolled down it’s window and turned up the volume on it’s stereo, which was playing Por ti volare, Weinstein raised his hand to stroke the back of Bean’s neck.

Aaron Bean raised his head from his opponent’s shoulder. The two men locked eyes in a purposeful gaze. It was hard to tell what was going to happen. Was this all a stunt being callously performed for campaign publicity? Were these men so devoted to the ideals of equality that they could overcome their heterosexual revulsion to kissing another man just to send a message to the evil Chick-Fil-A corporation? Or had these two pasty old white conservative southern men truly fallen in love for just one moment in time on this steamy August afternoon in Jacksonville, Florida, USA?

Their eyes closed.

Their lips locked together.

The crowd cheered.

Andrea Bocelli.

Bean kicked up his leg behind him.

When it was over, the crowd started to disburse. A small boy stepped up in front of the two men and asked: “Does this mean you’ll stop the robocalls and innane TV commercials? My daddy gets so mad at TV.”

“I wouldn’t count on, son.”

“I sure wouldn’t count on it.”

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A Shit-Load of Olympics Logos

Alright bro-dogs, the Olympics.

Here are a shit-load of olympics logos. Just 4 U!

I aint gonna get into a full/half-assed critique of them all, but as you will probably agree, it is obvious that they sure don’t make em like they used to. While I do think they are getting better after bottoming out around Barcelona or Sydney, I don’t think they will ever touch fucking Munich or Mexico City.

I mean look at motherfucking Munich. They kilt it. Done.

Enjoy.

Coming soon: A shit-load of olympics mascots!

Games Logo
1968 Winter OlympicsGrenoble  
1968 Summer OlympicsMexico City  
1972 Summer OlympicsMunich  
1976 Winter OlympicsInnsbruck  
1976 Summer OlympicsMontréal  
1980 Winter OlympicsLake Placid  
1980 Summer OlympicsMoscow  
1984 Winter OlympicsSarajevo  
1984 Summer OlympicsLos Angeles  
1988 Winter OlympicsCalgary  
1988 Summer OlympicsSeoul  
1992 Winter OlympicsAlbertville  
1992 Summer OlympicsBarcelona  
1994 Winter OlympicsLillehammer  
1996 Summer OlympicsAtlanta  
1998 Winter OlympicsNagano  
2000 Summer OlympicsSydney  
2002 Winter OlympicsSalt Lake City  
2004 Summer OlympicsAthens  
2006 Winter OlympicsTurin  
2008 Summer OlympicsBeijing  
2010 Winter OlympicsVancouver  
 
2012 Summer OlympicsLondon  

What do you think? Designers? Logo enthusiasts? Are they getting better? Worse? Are we (Europe) going back to 90’s-ass shit like le Tour de France 2012 logo? Please chime in.

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Buy This Shit for Your Grandma You Fucking Asshole

Yo, I found this on the internet because I’m smart.

I think you should buy one for your Grandma or Grandpa or you’re a complete and total bastard.

Lookit: a rainbow swirly, motherfucker. You KNOW that shit is SWEET

How bout this?

Maybe you or your g-pa is a gay or friend of a gay. Buy this one and embrace the connotations.

Here’s one:

Another Satisfied Customer!!!!

Your G-pa + G-ma will ❤ u forever.

Tube Cane is in the House

Don’t forget:

One more for the road

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Higgs Boson Found! Inside New Courthouse

Downtown Jacksonville, Florida

In what can only be described as an unfathomably lucky find, area man Steve Hilderbrand found the Higgs Boson today in the Duval County Courthouse.

“So, I was downtown at the courthouse with my wife this morning, fixing to get divorced,” Hilderbrand recollects, “and then I had to take a wiz. I drank a really big Mountain Dew on the way to court. So I popped in the first-floor men’s room, and there they were, just sitting on the counter, a nice little pile of bosons. When I picked them up and realized they were Higgs Bosons I almost peed/pooed my pants.”

Duval County Courthouse, Downtown Jacksonville, FL, Amazing New Marvel of Modern Architecture or Timeless Totem to Bad Bad Government and the Do-Nothing Citizenry Destined to Keep on Takin It?

Hilderbrand’s wife was so impressed with his discovery, she dropped her divorce suit.

Steve Hilderbrand, A Dude

“Finding those bosons literally changed my life and saved my marriage!”

Dr. Terrence Carlysle, UNF Professor of Physics

UNF physics professor Terrence Carlysle was hesitant to comment on the record because the discovery “is just too new and exciting to get my mind around,” he explained.

“I mean, there are literally thousands of European PhDs chillin in some Large-Ass Hadron Collider looking for these little JuJuBees and it turns out you don’t need a Large Hadron Collider at all. Alls you need is this big-ass dumb new courthouse building and some Mountain Dew-drinkin dude. Fuck!”

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Poll: 92% Say Computer Can Do Mayor’s Job Better then He Can Damn Do It

The Mayor’s Computer Desk

This is an actual spy photo of the Mayor’s office and his computer desk and the actual picture of himself that he hung on the wall above his desk. A mayor’s office source tells Jacksonville Jerk that Mayor Brown relies on his supercomputer to make all of his decisions, kind of like on that Planet of the Apes sequel when all those people lived underground and worshiped an unexploded missile and a supercomputer was their god.

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