Monthly Archives: May 2013

Local Blog Hosts Haircut Contest, All Are Winners

Metro Jacksonville, a Local Public Interest Blog Hosted a Haircut Contest on Youtube Today

Metro Jacksonville, a Local Public Interest Blog Hosted a Haircut Contest on Youtube Today

Area blogger Stephen Dare rocked the Jacksonville Blog Industrial Complex today with his debut video chronicling the city’s/a handful of moron’s attempts to “fix” Hemming Park.

It is indeed a well executed vlog segment, complete with EXCEPTIONAL HAIRDOS. Your friend the Jerk has the following takeaways from the 5-minute thrill-ride.

  1. In typical fashion, Dare grossly overestimates the breadth, depth, size and clout of his forum. Yes, a bunch of neckbeards are on there all day long star trek analyzing marginally differing public transportation schemes and the like, but it comes nowhere near the 50,000+ membership Dare claims.
  2. Let’s call a spade a spade. Redman, Lee and Jerry Moran = CUNTS. I am going to steer away from the vulgarities now to use the words of my late dear grandmother: “They aren’t worth the dynamite it would take to blow them away.” Dare’s cheeky handling of them is lost on all except the aforementioned neckbeards.
  3. Hemming plaza is an alright “park” at best. They could really put a McDonalds in there and call it a day as far as I’m concerned. MJ is too history-obsessed. If nobody gives a shit about remembering Ax Handle Saturday, then nobody gives a shit about remembering Ax Handle Saturday. Clearly the irony of trying to run all of the black dudes out of the same park where black dudes (and children) were indiscriminately bludgeoned by white assholes 40 years ago is lost on everyone involved. Everyone says hemming is a homeless problem, but most of those dudes aren’t homeless. It is a racism problem.
  4. The real problem with Jacksonville’s parks is that they all suck . Why can’t we have an amazing Piedmont Park-level park on the river downtown? That’s the real question the 19 subhumans need to answer. But, yall already answered it. WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. I have to agree with yall on that one.

Cheers!

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New Sign on Veterans Wall Inspires, Disgusts

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Unveils New Sign on Jacksonville Veterans' Memorial Wall in Ceremony on Veteran's Day May 27, 2013

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Unveils New Sign on Jacksonville Veterans’ Memorial Wall in Ceremony on Veteran’s Day May 27, 2013

Jacksonville, FL

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown rededicated the city’s Veterans’ Memorial Wall yesterday as “Mayor Brown Presents the Veterans’ Memorial Wall.” He unveiled the new sign and new name during a heartfelt speech delivered yesterday, Memorial Day.

In his stirring speach, the Mayor pointed to his previous success with attaching his name to several arbitrary taxpayer-funded projects, including the mayor Brown Presents Jacksonville Jazz Festival and the Mayor Brown Presents Jacksonville Sewage Treatment Facility.

Mayor Alvin Brown Presents the Jacksonville Jazz Festival Featuring R&B+B, the Second B is for Brown

Mayor Alvin Brown Presents the Jacksonville Jazz Festival Featuring R&B+B, the Second B is for Brown

The Mayor indicated that he is working on a plan to rename the following:

  • Mayor Brown Presents the Jacksonville Jaguars
  • Mayor Brown Presents JEA
  • Mayor Brown Presents AIDS
  • Mayor Brown Presents Maxwell House
  • Mayor Brown Presents Orange Park
  • Mayor Brown Presents NW 33rd Street
  • Mayor Brown Presents Douglas Anderson School of the Arts
  • Mayor Brown Presents Several Loud Farts
  • Mayor Brown Presents Canceled Air Show 2013
  • Mayor Brown Presents the Jacksonville Suns
  • Mayor Brown Presents the Jacksonville Jerk
  • Mayor Brown Presents the Metro Drag Show
  • Mayor Brown Presents Discount Gynecology
  • Mayor Brown Presents Hemming Plaza Homeless Day Center
  • Mayor Brown Presents Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson Live
  • Mayor Brown Presents the University of North Florida (Harvard of the South)
  • Mayor Brown Presents Intense Bondage and Humiliation
  • Mayor Brown Presents GG Alvin and the Jabbers
  • Mayor Brown Presents Smokey and the Bandit II in the Park
  • Mayor Brown Presents Ortega Forest
  • Mayor Brown Presents the St Johns Town Center
  • Mayor Brown Presents the USS Saratoga
  • Mayor Brown Presents a 2″ Boner
  • Mayor Brown Presents Hogan Creek
  • Mayor Brown Presents Hamburger Mary’s
  • Mayor Brown Presents Beaujolais Nouveau 2013
  • Mayor Brown Presents How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
  • Mayor Brown Presents Windows 99
  • Mayor Brown Presents Duke Nukem 3d
  • Mayor Brown Presents Dog Farts
New Sign Rededicating the Veteran's Memorial the "Mayor Alvin Brown Resents the Jacksonville Veteran's Memorial Wall" cost taxpayers $4,000,000 to build and install.

New Sign Rededicating the Veteran’s Memorial Wall as the “Mayor Alvin Brown Presents the Jacksonville Veteran’s Memorial Wall” cost taxpayers $4,000,000 to build and install.

The lavishly appointed new sign was built and installed by a California-based company at a taxpayer expense of $4,000,000. Additionally, the sign requires $10,000 in electricity and $14,000 in natural gas to operate per month. The annual maintenance costs have not yet been calculated but the maintenance will be performed by Mayor Brown’s 2nd cousin Hermione Vanderbilt Brown III.

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Mayor Brown Repeatedly Seen Leaving Starbucks with Offensive Names on His Cup

I don’t know whether you will be offended or just shocked by the unfunniness of these disgusting cup slogans Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown is apparently making the poor baristas of Downtown Jacksonville’s one remaining Starbucks pen onto his daily venti caramel macchiato cups. Fortunately, the Jacksonville Jerk’s newly hired staff photographer has been able to conceal him/herself and get a few pics of some of the mayor’s more bizarre cup slogans. Remember, this is just a small small sampling of the mayor’s more than daily cup shenanigans. Many local political observers are already saying that “Cup-gate” will inevitably disrupt the mayor’s bid for reelection. Watch this space.

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Adolf Shitler

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Betsy Wetsy

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Blade II

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Blaster Troy

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Boycreme

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Bull from Night Court

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Channing Tootem

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Darth Tater

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Dick Boss

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Diddy Kong

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Dig Dug

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Doctor Choom

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Emersom Largeballs

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Fag Buster

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

God Hates Fags Dot Com

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Gunt Daddy

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Hammer Bro. #1

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

He Hate Me

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Jiminy Snicket

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Kim Dong Hung

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Lil’ Fuehrer

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Mayor II First Blood

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Mayor Payne

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Mr. Brownstone

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Poot McGoohan

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Randall Flagg

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Randolph Guntsmuggler

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Rod Butterfinger

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Snugglenuts

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Son of Safari Sam

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Spawn

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Tigg L. Biddies

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Tommy Knocker

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Trojan Man

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Weird Alvin

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Caught Repeatedly Instructing Starbucks Baristas to Pen Disgusting and Offensive Slogans on His Coffee Cups

Create your own! Post it on Facebook or Instagram or Pintrest. EVERYONE’s Doing IT. Why shouldn’t you?

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Bumper Sticker I Had Seen

Four Doors for More Whores

 

Check it out yall.

Four Doors for More Whores

I saw this.

If this is your car and you are reading this right now, please leave a comment so you can get your props. If this is not your car and you are reading this, what do you think about bumper stickers? What do you think about bumper stickers which brag of your vehicle’s whore capacity?

This sticker was on a Jeep Cherokee. I estimate its whore capacity, excluding the driver’s seat obviously, at 6.5.

Yes, we were on Phillips Highway.

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Mayor Brown Likens Self to Mace Windu, Dumbledore and Geordi LaForge During Single Press Conference

Mayor Brown Likens Self to Mace Windu, Dumbledore and Geordi LaForge During Single Press Conference

In an address to local journalists Thursday morning, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown left some reporters scratching their heads as they tried to keep up with what some might call an excessive amount of references to movies and television shows. Mayor Brown’s address contained at least 67 mentions of titles, characters or plot elements from popular entertainment of the last 50 years.

Members of his administration claim that the change in Mayor Brown’s political strategy began late last month, when the Mayor discovered he could watch Netflix on his office computer. “We literally did not see the Mayor for two weeks”, explained Chief of Staff, Chris Hand, “As far as I know, he didn’t even leave his office to pee. When he finally came out of there, he was like this.”

During his speech, the Mayor talked about his accomplishments and struggles during his time in office, comparing himself to Jedi Master Mace Windu, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry’s Professor Dumbledore, and Federation engineer Geordi LaForge, respectively.

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown's Chief of Staff Chris Hand Models New Uniform Designed by the Mayor for All COJ Employees

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown’s Chief of Staff Chris Hand Models New Uniform Designed by the Mayor for All COJ Employees

Mayor Brown then moved on to discuss the development of Jacksonville’s Urban Core. Finding new ways to incentivize businesses to move their operations downtown, the Mayor claimed, was like “seeking unobtainium on Pandora”. When pressed to clarify what that meant, Mayor Brown likened Jacksonville’s outward spread over the past 40 years to “the boat that couldn’t slow down in Speed 2.” The Mayor explained that Jacksonville developers were addicted to money, like the fictional drug Nuke from Robocop 2 and that they feared that if land development slowed, even a bit, “their businesses would die, like that dude in Crank”. Mayor Brown then revealed that he was working on a new strategy to develop the downtown area, although details were scarce. “I want more businesses to move downtown”, he stated, “So I’m going to make them an offer they can’t refuse, like in Analyze This.”

Before ending, the Mayor talked a bit about his first two years in office. “When I was first elected”, He explained, “it was like I was rookie of the year. I was unbreakable. I felt like the boy who could fly, the prince of tides. After a while, though, I started to feel trapped in the matrix of bureaucracy, like I was lost in a labyrinth. I started to think I would be better off dead. But I tell you what, Jacksonville, I have gotten my groove back and I am walking tall. When history looks back on my administration they will not see just another case of arrested development.” Mayor Brown punctuated this remark with a chicken dance similar to the one featured on the television show Arrested Development, before taking the mic again. “In closing,” He said, “Harry and the Hendersons. Thank you.”

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Brown, Secret Pastor Veil Satanic Ambitions Behind “Interfaith Breakfast”

Mayor Alvin Brown uses the satanic symbol of the pyramid as a secret symbol to his followers that his satanic apocalypse is nearing completion.

Mayor Alvin Brown uses the satanic symbol of the pyramid as a secret symbol to his followers that his satanic apocalypse is nearing completion.

Does anyone else find it strange that the Mayor is using the symbol of the pyramid intertwined with a satanic bird in the logo of his so-called “interfaith breakfast?”

The symbols hide in plain sight.

The symbols hide in plain sight.

Mayor Alvin Brown pretends to serve only Jesus and his secret pastor, but it is becoming clear that his nefarious ambitions extend far beyond this mortal realm and possibly beyond the gates of hell and Mordor.

It is easy to connect the dots once your eyes have been opened to the shadowy forces lurking in the shadows of our shadow government's leaders and the power elite.

It is easy to connect the dots once your eyes have been opened to the shadowy forces lurking in the shadows of our shadow government’s leaders and the power elite.

Why would Alvin Brown’s secret pastor risk revealing his true form to the public?

The answer is simple. He wouldn’t. He appears in the form of a church-man, standing at the right hand of his pupil and subordinate: Brown.

But we have seen his true form.

Mayor Borwn's Secret Pastor was on hand to clarify any

Mayor Borwn’s Secret Pastor’s true form. 

What do Brown and his secret pastor seek to gain by bringing all faiths together to join in his so-called “interfaith breakfast?” It wasn’t clear to me at first, but now it is as clear to me as a crystal clear glass bowl filled with hot clear soup.

Brown and his secret pastor have applied a time-release daemonic curse upon the leaders of all faiths. The really sad part is that no one will know the evil until it is too late.

Reject the mayor and his empty promises.

Beware the one who calls himself the mayor’s secret pastor.

It might already be too late for you.

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

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Mayor Brown Organizes Million-Shirtless-Man March to Celebrate Jacksonville’s Macho Image

macho-brown

City Hall, Jacksonville, Florida –

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown held a press conference on the steps of city hall this morning to announce his plan to organize a Million-Shirtless-Man March this summer. The event, which Brown described as “a single day that will be more manly than the allied invasion of Normandy, WWE Smackdown and the Jacksonville Suns’ locker room combined, will be held on Labor Day.

Marchers will begin at the gym upstairs at the Jacksonville Landing, get oiled up and then march to city hall.

When asked if he is planning on using taxpayer money to fund the new event, Mayor Brown replied “Bitch, I might be.”

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An Irresponsible Manifesto

Woah dude!

I saw this on facebook and it was just filthy enough to tweak my interest. I am totally a sucker for manifestos.

971179_544344452282377_1181179890_n

This is some wild-ass shit. There are like 900 catch phrases in here that I am probably going to work into everyday usage.

So, what do yall fuckable cumsluts think? ? ?

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Fred Durst Undergoes Preemptive Double Testiclectomy

In the wake of Angelina Jolie’s headline-bursting double mastectomy announcement, Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst announced this morning that he has just undergone a preemptive double testiclectomy.

“Dog, I think I have that gene, so I was basically just sitting on two ticking time-balls,” Durst explained to reporters this morning.

“Now my shit is legit.”

This is the end of this article.

Now enjoy several high quality examples of Fred Durst fan art:

1 Continue reading

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Music Release: Just Friends Mini-Mixtape (Vol. 1) by HøM∑B0¥

HøM∑ß0¥ is Adam Mills.

HøM∑ß0¥ is a Jacksonville native living and working in Downtown Jacksonville.

Jacksonville Jerk is a dude who is stoked as ____ to get a listen on HøM∑ß0¥’s tight-ass new mix tape.

If you click play on this, you will learn what I learned this morning: HøM∑ß0¥ is bad ass. First of all, I have a really loud bass-in-your-face stereo in my car. And this mixtape gave it the workout it deserves. If you have access to a quality stereo, I recommend bumping this on it and not your laptop speakers, though it does sound good there too.

Anyways, what’s up with this dude/these jams?

homeboyI asked Adam that same question and he told me that the Just Friends Mini-Mixtape is just that: for friends. My man “just wanted to make something that makes people laugh, smile, whatever.” A noble motivation in my opinion.

HøM∑ß0¥ sez: “It’s s kind of my satyrical take on being a music producer. It’s also a creative energy release for me. It seems like everyone has started making beats. It’s such a popular thing to do now. It’s sad and funny at the same time how serious some people take it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been that serious guy before, but I’ve come full circle now. I’ve decided to go back to my roots, using silly samples and not caring much about the sound quality.”

“I just wanted to make something that was fun for me, like when I was a kid skipping school, skateboarding and making music with friends.”

And, the dude is totally underselling his producing chops because the shit sounds raw but totally on point at all moments. Also, it is a fun-ass tape. It’s got Big Lebowski samples and shit. “Serious” samples are for assholes. Just give me the shit I want!

I like this mixtape. I like the shit out of it. 

HøM∑ß0¥ gives us what we want.

HøM∑ß0¥ says he’s “already started on the next mixtape, which i should be releasing in a month or so.”

He’s currently got no plans for live shows. So, once you hear this and get a big ol’ HøM∑ß0¥ boner, you’re going to have to pester him about a live show until he does one.

Thanks HøM∑ß0¥.

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