Category Archives: Exclusive

New Sign on Veterans Wall Inspires, Disgusts

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Unveils New Sign on Jacksonville Veterans' Memorial Wall in Ceremony on Veteran's Day May 27, 2013

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown Unveils New Sign on Jacksonville Veterans’ Memorial Wall in Ceremony on Veteran’s Day May 27, 2013

Jacksonville, FL

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown rededicated the city’s Veterans’ Memorial Wall yesterday as “Mayor Brown Presents the Veterans’ Memorial Wall.” He unveiled the new sign and new name during a heartfelt speech delivered yesterday, Memorial Day.

In his stirring speach, the Mayor pointed to his previous success with attaching his name to several arbitrary taxpayer-funded projects, including the mayor Brown Presents Jacksonville Jazz Festival and the Mayor Brown Presents Jacksonville Sewage Treatment Facility.

Mayor Alvin Brown Presents the Jacksonville Jazz Festival Featuring R&B+B, the Second B is for Brown

Mayor Alvin Brown Presents the Jacksonville Jazz Festival Featuring R&B+B, the Second B is for Brown

The Mayor indicated that he is working on a plan to rename the following:

  • Mayor Brown Presents the Jacksonville Jaguars
  • Mayor Brown Presents JEA
  • Mayor Brown Presents AIDS
  • Mayor Brown Presents Maxwell House
  • Mayor Brown Presents Orange Park
  • Mayor Brown Presents NW 33rd Street
  • Mayor Brown Presents Douglas Anderson School of the Arts
  • Mayor Brown Presents Several Loud Farts
  • Mayor Brown Presents Canceled Air Show 2013
  • Mayor Brown Presents the Jacksonville Suns
  • Mayor Brown Presents the Jacksonville Jerk
  • Mayor Brown Presents the Metro Drag Show
  • Mayor Brown Presents Discount Gynecology
  • Mayor Brown Presents Hemming Plaza Homeless Day Center
  • Mayor Brown Presents Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson Live
  • Mayor Brown Presents the University of North Florida (Harvard of the South)
  • Mayor Brown Presents Intense Bondage and Humiliation
  • Mayor Brown Presents GG Alvin and the Jabbers
  • Mayor Brown Presents Smokey and the Bandit II in the Park
  • Mayor Brown Presents Ortega Forest
  • Mayor Brown Presents the St Johns Town Center
  • Mayor Brown Presents the USS Saratoga
  • Mayor Brown Presents a 2″ Boner
  • Mayor Brown Presents Hogan Creek
  • Mayor Brown Presents Hamburger Mary’s
  • Mayor Brown Presents Beaujolais Nouveau 2013
  • Mayor Brown Presents How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
  • Mayor Brown Presents Windows 99
  • Mayor Brown Presents Duke Nukem 3d
  • Mayor Brown Presents Dog Farts
New Sign Rededicating the Veteran's Memorial the "Mayor Alvin Brown Resents the Jacksonville Veteran's Memorial Wall" cost taxpayers $4,000,000 to build and install.

New Sign Rededicating the Veteran’s Memorial Wall as the “Mayor Alvin Brown Presents the Jacksonville Veteran’s Memorial Wall” cost taxpayers $4,000,000 to build and install.

The lavishly appointed new sign was built and installed by a California-based company at a taxpayer expense of $4,000,000. Additionally, the sign requires $10,000 in electricity and $14,000 in natural gas to operate per month. The annual maintenance costs have not yet been calculated but the maintenance will be performed by Mayor Brown’s 2nd cousin Hermione Vanderbilt Brown III.

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Music Release: Just Friends Mini-Mixtape (Vol. 1) by HøM∑B0¥

HøM∑ß0¥ is Adam Mills.

HøM∑ß0¥ is a Jacksonville native living and working in Downtown Jacksonville.

Jacksonville Jerk is a dude who is stoked as ____ to get a listen on HøM∑ß0¥’s tight-ass new mix tape.

If you click play on this, you will learn what I learned this morning: HøM∑ß0¥ is bad ass. First of all, I have a really loud bass-in-your-face stereo in my car. And this mixtape gave it the workout it deserves. If you have access to a quality stereo, I recommend bumping this on it and not your laptop speakers, though it does sound good there too.

Anyways, what’s up with this dude/these jams?

homeboyI asked Adam that same question and he told me that the Just Friends Mini-Mixtape is just that: for friends. My man “just wanted to make something that makes people laugh, smile, whatever.” A noble motivation in my opinion.

HøM∑ß0¥ sez: “It’s s kind of my satyrical take on being a music producer. It’s also a creative energy release for me. It seems like everyone has started making beats. It’s such a popular thing to do now. It’s sad and funny at the same time how serious some people take it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been that serious guy before, but I’ve come full circle now. I’ve decided to go back to my roots, using silly samples and not caring much about the sound quality.”

“I just wanted to make something that was fun for me, like when I was a kid skipping school, skateboarding and making music with friends.”

And, the dude is totally underselling his producing chops because the shit sounds raw but totally on point at all moments. Also, it is a fun-ass tape. It’s got Big Lebowski samples and shit. “Serious” samples are for assholes. Just give me the shit I want!

I like this mixtape. I like the shit out of it. 

HøM∑ß0¥ gives us what we want.

HøM∑ß0¥ says he’s “already started on the next mixtape, which i should be releasing in a month or so.”

He’s currently got no plans for live shows. So, once you hear this and get a big ol’ HøM∑ß0¥ boner, you’re going to have to pester him about a live show until he does one.

Thanks HøM∑ß0¥.

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One Spark Backer with Ties to Foam Display Board Industry Profited $5M in Lead-up to Festival

Psyche!

Psyche!

More than likely, the names Thadeus Osgood and Imperial Paper Products don’t mean a whole lot to you. Mr. Osgood makes it his business to keep it that way. A “shadow backer” of this year’s inaugural One Spark festival, Osgood and Imperial requested no donor recognition and minimal public disclosure of their involvement.

Why wouldn’t Osgood and Imperial Paper want to be recognized?

Need Help Call My Mom

Need Help Call My Mom

When I found myself asking this same question, I went to the Hall of Public Records to do some research.

I found the following information to be very useful.

YUMMY

YUMMY

Imperial Paper Products ooperates primarily as a business-to-business operation, out of the public eye. The company has absolutely no retail sales, except for one product division: foam display boards. And this market is all but dead except for during science fair season.

“You’ll get your rare ‘Invention Convention’ or last-minute trade show customers,” Fred Swarsnson, a salesman at a local Office Depot told me, “But, science fair season is really where the money is for foam display boards.”

You'll never know because you are going to Mormon hell for being a bitch-boy.

You’ll never know because you are going to Mormon hell for being a bitch-boy.

Could it be that the One Spark festival is little more than a clever ruse to sell foam display boards? Thadeus Osgood did not respond to requests for comments on the issue and representatives of Imperial Paper Products did not return my calls.

When I dug into the company’s public financial records, I was amazed to find that Imperial profited $5M in a single one-week period. Which week was this? You guessed it: the week right before One Spark.

SBD

SBD

I asked Fred Swarnson if he saw an uptick in foam display board sales at his Office Depot location and of course there was. “That week was like, well like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and I’ve been here 38 years. Really, it was almost like the Fall of 1988, when Flight of the Navigator and Short Circuit came out in the same week and science projects were due the following Monday, the perfect storm.”

If you do not believe in conspiracy theories, do not read any further.

a.winner.com

a.winner.com

I think that the One Spark festival was conceived as a subtly elaborate plan to sell foam display boards. I believe that the festival is lining the pockets of the Osgood Family and their allies at the expense of other display media. I beleive that it does not stop with just this. If you follow the money, you may not want to see where it leads. I guarantee this conspiracy extends far beyond the Foam Display Board Industrial Complex.

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TV Giveth More Breaking Bad Breaking Soon-ish

20130415-155655.jpg

In today’s installment of news you could easily google yourself, I present THE DATE THE NEW AND FINAL BREAKING BAD SEASON BEGINS.

Right now, we have just over 3 months until it starts. I think i’m going to rewatch the previous seasons to get pumped for the new season.

If you havent watched any BB, i recommend getting urself on Netflix asap and jamming the prior seasons out before july 15 yall.

There are only a few things on netflix better than star trek tng and this is one.

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Mayor Brown Mocks One Spark in Hot-Mic Gaffe

Mayor Brown Caught in Hot Mic Gaff Making Fun of One Spark

April 11, 2013 Downtown Jacksonville

Yesterday was not a great day for Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown or for the city’s upcoming One Spark festival. Just moments after addressing a small crowd outside the School Board building, the mayor was heard over a live microphone making what he thought were candid comments.

The mayor thought the mic was off, but it was not. He could clearly be heard making the following remarks about One Spark:

“Honestly, I don’t really know what it is, but I am pretty sure it has something to do with the local gay community.”

“Oh, it doesn’t, I was wayyyy off, ha ha. My pastor says that about EVERYTHING.”

“So, just like regular people are supposed to go, like the guy who cuts my hair or the lady from Winn-Dixe, just regular folks?”

“I mean, I guess people will go, but why would they give away money to people just because they have a food truck or a local band or something?”

“Oh, oh, ok, I get it. These ideas are going to be ‘game-changers.’ Ok, but regular people will give these exhibitors their own money? But for what?”

“This is hard.”

“Wait, Peter Rummell put up how much of his own money?”

“Fuck!”

“But, wait a minute. How is a cash infusion going to create a market for these clearly unmarketable goods and services?”

“Ah, fuck it. It aint my job to figure this bullshit out.”

“What’s that? My mic’s on. Oh fuck.”

“It’s been on this whole time?”

“How much- oh, they heard everything.”

“Well, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.”

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Pic of Rick Ross on Top of Florida Theatre

Rick Ross reppin Duval on Top of the Florida Theatre

Click on this shit if you want to zoom in on his fat ass.

Last Friday, Jacksonville really rolled out the red carpet for hip hop’s fakest gangsta. They even closed the Main Street Bridge to accommodate the rapper’s exceptional heft. I did not know, until I found this photo, that they were gonna roll the big guy out onto the Florida Theatre roof. I’m thinking that this Rick Ross video is going to be one tight-ass fucking video. And, I am also thinking that this video shoot going off with zero gang-related violence should be noted as a testament to the benevolent nature of Jacksonville’s typically ruthless gang community. Thanks guys!

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Col. Lyngus Tops List of Fake Names Submitted in Area Church Friendship Register Last Sunday

Marge Carswell knew right away that something was fishy with the friendship register from one particular pue last Sunday. “For starters,” she explained, “There’s only about 8 seats per pew and this pew’s friendship register had like 29 names on it.”

Some Lady

Some Lady

It turns out, a group of punks had filled the page with fake names. “I went to confront the boys in their Sunday School class,” Ms. Carswell confessed, “But the jerks would not own up to it and they kept laughing and laughing while I tried to discern the real names from the fake. If any of these are actually real people, I do not want to offend them by not sending them the church newsletter. I will pray for those boys and their mothers.”

Jacksonville Jerk obtained a copy of the list of fake names and is now publishing the list in an effort to prevent future misuse of official church documents.

Friendship Register

Friendship Register

Col. Lyngus
Gabe Ohner
M.C. Hummer
Hugh Jagman
Jizz F. Estival
Conie Skinner
Nance Hugepussy
Fanny Funny
Knut Butters
Emerson Biggins
Sammy Ballgag
Fern I. Tour-Nympho
Tunacan P. Ness
Harold Bizwax
I. P. Inapool
Moses Stroganoff
Han Key
Bert Sampson
Lott L. Izzard
Geoffrey Fartsniff
Vagina Woolf
Dr. Retarded
Browning Undershorts
Smeagol Baybedik
Alvin Brownstein
Ernest Pussehare
Barf Onadik
Tiddie Slapps
Puke Cryer
Dick Wang
Harry Plumskin
Emerson Batmans
C. Mann Eaton
Ron Littledick
Wlly Lichinspary
Tough Hoog
Milteridge Gurgaler
Gabby Mine Dichoff
Juanita Estofer Holesful
Holden Myrod

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Mayor Alvin Brown Shaved Off His Mustache Because He Thought It Made Him Look Gay

It has recently been made known to this reporter that Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown used to have a mustache as recently as 2006, but in an attempt to never look gay shaved it off. These recently leaked photos of the mayor confirm that Mayor Brown used to actually have a mustache but then became concerned of the risk of perhaps appearing gay, an assumption he could not stand.

Mr. Brown, an outspoken critic of the “gay agenda” was recently, as recent as 2007, seen playing tennis, a known athletic recruitment arena of the gay agenda, and wearing a black mustache, which was recently shaved in an attempt to cement a hetero-elite ranking and victory in the polls.

More details to follow as they happen. Stay tuned.

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CM Yarborough Leaves Convertible Top Down, Shania Twain CD Ruined by Rain

In what can only be described as a tragedy, Jacksonville City Councilman Clay Yarborough forgot the top was down on his 2004 Volkswagen Beetle Convertible and today’s afternoon rainstorm completely ruined all of his Shania Twain CDs.

“It must have been like 4 or 5 really good Shania Twain CDs that were totally ruined by the rain,”  lil’ queenie estimated, “and all the good ones too, but it’s ok because the car seats are leather so I can wipe of the seats and not get my bumbum wet.”

The last time the councilman’s “bumbum” got wet, it took his pastor almost 2 hours to help get him cleaned up.

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New Computer System at Area Workplace Just Ridiculous

Employees at a local business report that their new computer system is “dumber than a box of hair.”

Department head Kelli Morrison reports “the new system literally makes everything take like 10 times longer.”

According to manager Paul Zahn, “the new system will increase productivity in the long run but we expect a bit of a learning curve as the system comes online and becomes fully operational.

“Serioiusly,” Morrison vented, “Invoices, purchase orders, payroll accounting, everything takes soooooo long, like half the time, I’m just like eff it, I’m gonna play some solitaire and wait for someone else to get through all that crap.”

The yahoo whose idea it was to change the system in the first place could not be reached for comment.

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