Category Archives: WTF

Judge Orders Macklemore to Apologize

6a00d8341c730253ef019b00fd115f970c

Seattle, WA

“Well, you can start with your haircut,” Judge Thomas Smales responded to the raised eyebrows of the Seattle-based rapper’s defense attorney.

Judge Smales continued “Apologize to all of humanity for your haircut and its infinite trendiness and whackness. Doesn’t the sides of your dumb-ass head get cold, you Miley Cyrus-looking-bitch-boy?”

“Go on from there and apologize to specific groups, like apologize, for instance, to all white people for representing them in mainstream rap.”

“Then apologize to all black people for becoming a rapper.”

“Apologize to Chinese people just because.”

“Apologize to Mexican people for, well, you know why.”

“Apologize to gays for co-opting their cause for equality to sell your whack records.”

“Apologize to me for the strange boner your whispery rap voice gave me one time.”

“Apologize to Genghis Khan for copping his high collar fur jacket style.

“Apologize to Pearl Jam.”

“Apologize to rap fans.”

“Apologize to all rappers.”

Judge Smales then stood up and grabbed his crotch through his black judicial robe, said “bulee-dat,” dropped his microphone on the floor and walked out of the courtroom.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Reward Offered for Stolen GA Jon Boat

Nevermind how kind of creepy this picture looks. Some low-life stole this kid’s dang jon boat!

In this craigslist ad, the poor lil guy’s dad explains how the jon boat, whcih didn’t even have a motor on it at the time of its theft, was his son’s “pride and joy.” Of course it was. Look how sweet that thing is. Hell, you could tow it behind a moped! And, he’s offering $500 in reward for any info on the robbery. He seems like a nice dad. My dad never bought me a jon boat when I was a lil squirt, sheeeeeeeeit!

Shame on you, thief! Shame shame shame.

If you know anything about this, give the man a call. This is prime fishing weather and the boy’s boat is gone.

Whoever stole the boy’s boat is a truly worthless scumbag and I hope you get thrown in county for 6 months and you get evicted from your trailer and your old lady sells your Camaro for like $400 and goes on a shopping spree and the Town Center. YOU SUCK!

Tagged ,

Jacksonville Man Feigns Shock at News of Found Body

“No! Now, that’s just horrible, unconscionable,” local resident Paul Jackson exclaimed upon seeing this morning’s Florida Times Union headline which proclaimed the JSO had found a body in a shallow grave last night.

“I am beyond shocked and mortified,” Jackson continued, clearly feigning outrage loudly, hoping someone would overhear.

“I mean, it’s not at all shocking or surprising really, I just kind of want to talk to someone about things not being what they used to be and everything just going down the tubes,” Jackson clarified.

A representative of back in the day could not be reached to corroborate Jackson’s claims.

8 Riki Oh Gifs

1. 

Yo! Have yall ever seen Riki Oh before? If not, first: eat shit. Then: lick my boots clean. You got that?

Happy Friday!

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

6. 

7. 

We die together.

8. 

Tagged , , ,

What a Revoltin’ Development

5'2" Automatic Humanoid Punch Line Machine Don Redman

5’2″ Automatic Humanoid Punch Line Machine Don Redman

Jacksonville City Councilman Don Redman insists that comments he made at a Tuesday evening committee meeting were simply all in good fun.

During the meeting, which was held to discuss pending legislation to ban discrimination based on sexual orientation in Jacksonville, Redman asked Lawyer Carrinton Mead, a transsexual, “Do you consider yourself male or female?”  Redman expressed dismay when other council members, in his words “acted all mad” about his comments, which he claimed were made in jest.

In an effort to calm the situation, Redman explained “That’s a joke, I say, that’s a joke, son.  You missed it, boy.  I made a funny, son, and you’re not laughin’!”  In response, Councilman Robin Lumb, who was visibly unamused by Redmond’s witticisms, simply stated “What a revoltin’ development this is”.  Regarding continuing opposition to anti-discrimination legislation, the general consensus among Jacksonville’s LGBT community is that they should have taken a left turn at Albuquerque.

Tagged , , , ,

Dump Boat in India When Done

Beach in India Where Ships Are Dumped

Beach in India Where Ships Are Dumped

Apparently, there’s a beach in India where ship operators dump their ships and then Indians scrap em out. They just drive em in and beach em at high tide and then they’re stuck and ready to be recycled.

This is the cheapest way to get rid of a ship, because “1st world” ship demolition is very expensive due to environmental and safety regulation.

According to Wikipedia,  the locals dig the ship breaking industry because it gives them decent paying, though extremely dangerous jobs. And the closest hospital is 50 miles away.

Look at the oil and sludge oozing out of em.

Click the pic to check it out on Google Maps. You can zoom all the way in and take a tour.

That’s some wild shit.

Tagged , , , ,

Mayor Brown: 3 Ethics Complaints (So Far) in 2012

So Alvin, you accidentally enrolled in the pension plan after vigorously campaigning on the promise to reject the pension, since inflated COJ pensions were a huge election issue? You accidentally filled out the paperwork and had $13K paid into your account, accidentally? I call bullshit.

Either you enrolled on purpose, sending out a general fuck you to all residents of Jacksonville or you are a total fucking idiot who “just messed up the silly paperwork.” And, you’re totally going to go with the messing up on the paperwork answer. Ok… Well, you don’t seem like a total fucking idiot…

That’s 1 ethic complaint. Now what do complaints 2 and 3 have in common with 1? They all share the “I just messed up on the silly paperwork” excuse. He was fined $500 for failing to disclose his incoome properly. “My errors were purely accidental,” he said. “I take full responsibility.”

Is a pattern emerging here?

Then we’ve got the travel expenses, which the Mayor’s office only released after hounding from the TU. He didn’t disclose travel paid for by outside groups as “gifts” because, as his chief of staff Chris Hand explained: “He is reporting it to the extent he’s required to. What has been done is to follow the advice of counsel.”

I mean, he’s not blowing city money on travel. But, if someone’s buying stuff for an elected official, it needs to be reported.

All that pesky paperwork.

Get your shit together Alvin. The courthouse chair veto was bullshit and everyone knows it. The council already had enough votes to override your smokescreening ass. And why are you still playing chicken with the human rights ordinance? BULLSHIT.BULLSHIT.BULLSHIT.BULLSHIT.BULLSHIT.BULLSHIT.BULLSHIT.

Tagged , , , , ,

How To: Use Your Church to Promote Hate

This is an e-mail that’s getting sent around by some “Christians” urging its recipients to call their council members and make a hateful noise unto the lord against a proposed bill that would add sexual orientation to the City’s human rights ordinance.

Yes, it has been picked up by national media.

Thank you.

Thanks for keeping us on the cutting edge.

1) “Our hope is that churches across Jacksonville will become aware of this bill and respond with clarity and conviction.”

Tough shit, idiot. Churches across Jacksonville don’t go in for this pathetic bullshit. Yours is part of a fringe outsider movement akin to that douchebag that got kicked out of Gainesville and the Taliban. So, fuck you. You’re going to lose.

2) “However, to add sexual orientation to that list would be to add preferential treatment to a lifestyle choice.”

Nope, wrong again, dildo. Unless you’ve essed a D, how do you know whether homosexuality is a choice or not? Did you ask a gay guy? Did you try it out for yourself to make sure?

You are old bad Jacksonville. Your support is small. You are a bad Christian and a bad person.

Get your shit together, Mayor Brown, and get on this.

Tagged , , , , ,

Confirmed: SUNBEARS! Not to Come out as Transgender

SUNBEARS! Jacksonville Rockerz

In the wake of Against Me! front man Tom Gabel’s transgender coming out this morning, Jacksonville-based holiday themed puppet theater troupe SUNBEARS! will not be cashing in on the obvious opportunity to one-up their home state rivals today.

While 2 singing transgens would absolutely eclipse just one, “we’re just not going there” cited the small one, who neither confirmed nor denied a future announcement. “Look dude, we coif our hair, we sing our songs, often while making intense eye contact with each other, but, we do all of this while wearing boy’s clothes. We are boys,” stressed the tall one.

Stayed tuned to SUNBEARS! facebook page to follow their confirmed heterosexual perfomrance schedule.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Tebow Joins Special Peoples’ Club

Tears of Rage

All-you-can-eat charity biceps buffet Time Tebow hates Jacksonville soooooooooo much.

How much does he hate it?

He hates Jacksonville sooooo much, he’d rather play as a special teams human punching bag in NY than a starting quarterback in his ol’ hometown of Jacksonville, FL.

What’s up Tim? You think you can walk all over us and we’ll keep chanting your name: “Tebow come home!”

You’re probably right Tim. Jacksonville will never hate you. Never. No one can hate you. You’re the only pro athlete that’s not a shithead.

But, come on man. You know you’d be starting qb for the Jags. What are they gonna start pussy-ass Gabbert over you, Henne. Fuck that shit.

Good luck with special teams.

Come home any time.

Tagged , ,