Monthly Archives: May 2012

Have You Ever “Pulled an Alvin,” or Sent a Letter You Later Regretted? | Man on the Street

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown's Got Some Splainin to DO

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown’s Got Some Splainin to DO

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown recently received a scathing letter from Jaguars owner Shahid Kahn admonishing him for alerting the media that they were in a lease dispute over Everbank Field. There was no such dispute and the Mayor rather embarassingly apologized. Have you ever sent a letter that you later regretted?

My doctor accidentally sent me a letter alerting me of my gonorrhea. I later found out that I also had ringworm.
Towel Seller

I wrote a letter to Nabisco to tell them that I absolutely hated their new flavor of Wheat Thins. Turns out my roommate had been farting into my box of crackers every day for a month. I was so embarrassed, but what can you do, y’know?

I wrote a letter to my friend’s dog but he can’t read.
Fancy Clerk

I told everyone on the internet that this one kid was gay but then I was gay too and then we were gay boyfriends together.

One time I wrote a letter to the mayor but then I remembered that he is a stupid idiot so I withdrew it.

I wrote my wife’s gynocologist a letter one time asking him for tips.

I wrote a fan letter to Bon Iver but then I sent him a follow-up letter punking the shit out of him. HA! Like I listen to that weak-ass-shit.
Cat Tamer

I once wrote to Barely Legal magazine and absolutely ripped apart their pictorial about hardcore fetish-peeing. I was really proud of myself until I realized that I had actually seen the pictures in Swank magazine. Doh!

I accidently sent an email to my wife one time. Beleive me, women and computers just don’t mix.
Library Security Guard

I wrote a letter to 17 magazine about my period and I accidentally CCed my whole high school. I was absolutely mortified until the school nurse saved my life because she had read my letter, she know that I had TSS.

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Riverside Luxury Flats | Is This Stupid?

220 Riverside | Will it Work?

220 Riverside | Will it Work?

For real, I can’t tell. On first glance, selling Riverside luxury flats to Gen Ye-rs seems Berkman Plazaly stupid. There is obviously no shortage of affordable and desirable housing in Riverside- ranging from crummy stoner squats to frshly renoed fancy pads. And, there is no shortage of expensive “highly attractive and convenient” hot-shot housing, such as the newly remodeled John Gorrie, which I assume is still empty.

To me, this project seems like another “build it and they will come” bad investment, not unlike the Berkman Plaza and its ill-fated cousin Berkman II, which still stains the sky line and should provide sufficient reminder to would be housing speculators.

But it aint my money so what do I care? Maybe it’ll look cool or have cewl shops in it.

My first reaction to this big bad uberbuilding is “maybe if there were jobs here for Gen Y-ers that would pay them enough to live in something like this, then this would be a good idea. But, maybe if there was housing like this, companies + Gen Y entrepreneurs might be inclined to relocate to Jax.

Oh no. Chicken or Egg?

Good luck investors. I’m sure yall are all smarter than or equally as philanthropic as Wayne Weaver.

For real, I can’t tell good idea? bad idea? Let’s discuss.

Berkman II Sux

Berkman II Sux

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Alpha the Omegaman | Scram Brothers

This painting is sick and it is huge IRL, I have seen it.

This painting is sick and it is huge IRL, I have seen it.

So, today’s Song of the Day is a 1-minute “theme song” by Scram Brothers.

Scram Brothers is a solo music project of Ryan Strasser, who is most artistically notable round’ town for his paintings and for his guitaring with local rap-rock band After the Bomb, Baby!

Also, according to the Facebook, today’s his birthday. So, if you get a chance, wish the little guy a happy b-day.

Dig the tune man. It’s one whole minute of clap drums, electronic whips, moaning and fucking theme song radness. Do you have a theme song? If not, maybe reconsider most of your life. It’s ok, though, you can listen to this one and become inspired.

In it’s single minute duration, you will experience every human emotion back-to-back with zero overlap.

Dig the man’s other tunes while you’re at it. He’s totally on to something. I’m not sure what it is, though. And I’m guessing he aint either.

Now this may just be a weird hunch of mine, but I feel like this may be his voice on this next track. What do yall think? WTF, for real.

Here it is. Your Song of the Day BONUS TRACK

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Safari Sam

Sharon The Face of FOX30

Sharon The Face of FOX30

Long before so-called Sharon was the “Face of Fox30,” there was this guy:

Remember me?

Remember me?

Take a ride on the old-school express with these 2 EXCLUSIVE Jacksonville Jerk Safari Sam videos.

You know you miss him. You know you want some more.

Here’s more.

Do you have any Safari Sam memories you’d like to share in a comment?
Do you know Safari Sam personally?
Are you reading this right now and you are Safari Sam?
Please share.

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You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly | Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn

Check it out!

It’s another Jacksonville Jerk Song of the Day brought to you by my friend DJ DOTS.

You know this jam is hot. I particularly dig the Rhodes piano line that rides out over the whole tune.

Loretta Lynn is pretty dope. Have you seen this before?

Thanks DJ DOTS!

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DJ Azamat Master of Juke

dj azamatWhat up playa?

Yo, what it do?

This is what it do. If anyone wants to know what it do, tell them DJ Azamat.

The juke master.

He’s got 4 joints up on his soundcloud, which are all sick, including a Muslim Juke. If you wanna check what’s up with DJ Azamat and what’s up with juke, play the joint on this page Arnold.

It’s my fave of the 4 because it has a steel drum solo and some damn Double Dragon bass. This is some tight-ass shit.

Who the eff is DJ Azamat? Is he for real from Samara, Kazakhstan? I assume yes. Also, check his other joints on his souncloud page cuz they are funky fresh.

If you are a local DJ, I recommend working one of these tracks into your set. People will be like “Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, where does he cop these fresh ass tunes? I’m joining his e-mail list today!”

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Dump Boat in India When Done

Beach in India Where Ships Are Dumped

Beach in India Where Ships Are Dumped

Apparently, there’s a beach in India where ship operators dump their ships and then Indians scrap em out. They just drive em in and beach em at high tide and then they’re stuck and ready to be recycled.

This is the cheapest way to get rid of a ship, because “1st world” ship demolition is very expensive due to environmental and safety regulation.

According to Wikipedia,  the locals dig the ship breaking industry because it gives them decent paying, though extremely dangerous jobs. And the closest hospital is 50 miles away.

Look at the oil and sludge oozing out of em.

Click the pic to check it out on Google Maps. You can zoom all the way in and take a tour.

That’s some wild shit.

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I Wupped Batman’s Ass | Wesley Willis

RIP Superman.

RIP Superman.

Hey dude. If you’re kind of young or kind of old, you might have missed seeing Wesley Willis play in Jacksonville or ever having heard of the dude. He was a giant dude. One time I was whizzing in a urinal at Jacks Rabbits and I looked up and he was whizzing in the urinal next to me and I realized how tall he was. I’m like 6’1″ and he towered over me.

He was a paranoid schizophrenic who sung ridiculous songs that were awesome. Was he exploited by the punk rock industrial complex to make money for dudes like Jello Biafra? I don’t know. He always seemed to be having a good time. He used to come play in Jacksonville kind of a lot back in the day and he’d always pack the house at Jack Rabbits.

He always headbutted stuff and people. If you went to a WW show, you’d want to cram in near the front and see if he’d headbutt you. I think he had that forehead scar from headbutting stuff like every fucking day. He died a few years back.

I roll through a few of his greatest hits on youtube every now and then, usually when I’m a little wasted and they always take me where I need to go.

Here’s a good on. I Wupped Batman’s Ass is full of tight-ass one-liners like “He was being a real jagoff.”

Enjoy it along with this decent lil video some youtube weenis whipped up (the dumb dick disallowed “embedding” so you have to go to his lame youtube page), which features some cartoon footage of Batman forreal getting his ass wupped. I wonder if Wesley ever saw this video or what he would have thought about it. He always seemed kind of serious about wild-ass stuff like wupping Batman’s ass.

Rock over London. Rock over Jack-son-ville.

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80 Chicks with Beards + Bikini Bieber

Bearded Women

Adriana Lima With a Beard pictures

Kelly With a Beard pictures
Adriana Lima With a Beard pictures
AnnaLynne McCord With a Beard pictures
Annalynne McCord under hormone therapy pictures
Adriana Lima  with a Chuck Norris Beard pictures
Catherine Zeta Jones With a Beard pictures
Hillary Clinton Santa pictures
Keira Knightley With a Beard pictures
Megan Fox With a Beard and Hairy Chest pictures
Angelina Bearded Jolie pictures

Joan Baez With a Beard pictures
Adriana Lima With a Beard pictures
Bearded Alyssa Milano pictures
Sofia Vergara with Mustache pictures
Angie Harmon With a Beard pictures
Bearded Adriana Lima pictures
Hairy Adriana and Gisele pictures
A Pussycat's Beard pictures
Bearded Angelina Jolie pictures
Lindsay Marie Joe With a Beard pictures

Amber Heard With a Beard pictures
Alyssa Milano Hairy Arms With a Beard pictures
Halle Berry With a Beard pictures
Jennifer Lopez With a Beard pictures
Megan Fox With a Beard and Hairy Chest pictures
Miss Tuning 09 calendar (beard edition) pictures
Bearded Megan Fox pictures
Victoria Secret Models with Beards pictures
Daisy Fuentes With a Beard pictures
Madonna With a Beard pictures

Jennifer Lopez witha Beard pictures
Maria Grazia Cucinotta With a Beard pictures
Megan Fox With a Beard pictures
Olivia Wilde With a Beard pictures
Cybele the Bearded pictures
Michelle Obama With a Beard pictures
Queen Elizabeth With a Beard pictures
Katie Couric With a Beard pictures
Angelina Jolie With a Beard pictures
Gong Li Shaving Beard pictures

Hairy Megan Fox pictures
Musketeer Angelina Jolie pictures
Nancy Pelosi With a Beard pictures
Bearded Lindsy Lohan pictures
Two Zorros Catherine with a Beard pictures
Beyonce With a Beard pictures
Breidget Bardot With a Beard pictures
Sarah Hill Billy Palin pictures
Hannah Montana With a Beard pictures
Yoko Ono With a Beard pictures

Hillary Clinton With a Beard pictures
Sophia Loren With a Beard pictures
Woman with a Beard pictures
Bisexual Monna Lisa pictures
Woopie Goldberg With a Beard pictures
Julia Roberts With a Beard pictures
Taylor Swift With a Beard pictures
Jessica Alba With a Beard pictures
Sharon Stone With a Beard pictures
Jennifer Lopez With a Beard pictures

Halle Berry With a Beard pictures
Inglorious Bearded Woman pictures
Farrah Fawcett With a Beard pictures
Hilary Clinton With a Beard pictures
  Bringin’ back the Trash Stache…
Shania Twain With a Beard pictures
Gwen Stefani With a Beard pictures
Bearded Susan Sarandon pictures
Hillary Clinton in Tropic Thunder pictures
Michelle Obama With a Beard pictures
Helen Mirren With a Mustache pictures

Miss Piggy With a Beard pictures
Lady Gaga With a Beard pictures
Mister Madonna pictures
Whatever Happened to Baby John pictures
Cindy Crawford With a Beard pictures
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Mayor Forgets to Tie Shoes, Falls Down



 In what can only be described as cruel cruel fate, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown found himself in a fight for his life this morning. As he strode confidently toward the front door of city hall, readying his finger guns for a brief exchange with the front door security officer, Mayor Brown’s left black dress shoe became temporarily, yet tragically, entangled with the loose lace of his right black dress shoe. In the blink of an eye, the mayor tumbled.

“He caught himself before he cracked his skull or anything like that and he jumped up quick and laughed it off,” reports eyewitness Trey of Gus’ shoe repair. “I felt bad, but, you know, it was kind of funny, Trey continues, “It’s pretty funny anytime somebody falls down, unless it’s an old person.”

It is estimated that nearly 8,000 slip-and-falls occur in downtown Jacksonville each year, half of which are fatal. Despite this alarming number of slip-and-falls, only around 40 are reported. Perhaps shame or stigma causes people to not report. 


If you see someone who has fallen down, call for help. Tell and adult or police officer. Tell a Downtown Ambassador. Do not point and laugh and be a jerk. Together, we can make Downtown Jacksonville safe for everyone. And remember, if it can happen to the Mayor, it can happen to you.

Jacksonville Jerk analysts speculate Morgan and Morgan have not been contacted by the Mayor or his staff, but Morgan nor Morgan could be reached for comment.

Jacksonville Jerk analysts speculate Morgan and Morgan have not been contacted by the Mayor or his staff, but Morgan nor Morgan could be reached for comment.

Enjoy this helpful info-graphic. I hired local art firm Doozey and Hutch, LLC, to design it for this article and as a community service.

Knowledge | Now You Know
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