Monthly Archives: May 2014

JSO Accident Report Confirms Dick Laurent Is Dead


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Deemable Tech Host Claims that Nintendo Virtual Boy Is Superior to Oculus Rift for ”Total Immersion”, Tells Doubters ”I Am God Here.”

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Ray Hollister, co-host of local radio program Deemable Tech and hero to Northeast Florida baby boomers made waves with some internet tech-heads Tuesday morning when he asserted on-air that the highly anticipated Oculus Rift would pale in comparison to 1995’s Nintendo Virtual Boy.  Hollister praised the Virtual Boy’s “crisp graphics” and “rad software”, stating that the device offered “a totally immersive, three dimensional virtual playground” that the Oculus Rift couldn’t hope to match “on its best day.”

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Later that day, Hollister was seen on Deemable Tech’s internet forums, defending his position to doubting techno-thomases.  “Look”, Hollister wrote under the web-name CYbRd00d, “Oculus Rift is a baby toy.  It is literally a toy for babies.  Virtual Boy, on the other hand, has changed the way I think about gaming.  It’s given me the key to open the multiverse and the power to shape entire worlds as I see fit.  I am God here.”  Hollister’s Deemable Tech co-host, Tom Braun, could not be reached for comment, as he was busy teaching someone’s grandmother how to surf the web for bundt cake recipes.

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Inside Source Reveals 75% of onlyinduval Instagram Posts Not Duval-Related



An inside source connected with the “onlyinduval” Instagram page, which claims to “Bring you the very best (and a little of the worst) from the 904,” came clean to the Jacksonville Jerk this weekend that more than 3/4 of the stream’s content is not related to the River City. “I really wanted to stick with local stuff,” my source explained, “but the truth is this town is just kind of boring, like not much actual funny stuff happens here.”  

If you say so, bro.

Maybe yall should call your stream something like “only in google image search.”

Just sayin that’s all.



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Mayor Brown Registers to Run for Reelection in Jacksonville, AR

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Jacksonville, AR

In a move interpreted by most as a simple mistake, Mayor Alvin Brown filed papers this week to run for mayor of Jacksonville, Arkansas. However, when asked about the strange filing the mayor tried to play it off saying “Naw, naw that wasn’t a mistake. I really like Jacksonville, Arkansas. I think it could be next level. When pressed on the matter that the next mayoral race in Jacksonville, AR, won’t happen until 2017, Brown conceded that he had in fact registered on the wrong website.

“Look here. It was late. I was tired. I was busy all week trying to think of a way I can explain my opposition to renewing the gas tax other than crass and blatant short-sighted vote pandering. And I made a mistake. Is it that bad of a thing? No, I don’t think so.”

Neither do I. Neither do I.


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CDC Names Jacksonville’s Riverside Neighborhood “Ground Zero” for the HPV Virus


Riverside, Jacksonville, FL –

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report this morning naming Jacksonville’s historic Riverside neighborhood as the global epicenter for the Human papillomavirus or HPV. The report makes use of cutting edge disease tracking and computer modeling technology to accurately pinpoint the growth and source of the sexually-transmitted disease. With unbelieveable precision, the new technology actually pinpointed the HPV ground-zero to an upstairs apartment on Forbes Street once shared by a local “indie-dance” DJ and several artists.


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Every State Is Worse Than Florida



Time to deal rest of USA. Only Florida represents hard on this internet map some dork made by analyzing some google data or some such crap I don’t care about and don’t respect enough to post a link to. I take that back. I made this map. I made it based on my personal opinions of the 50 states. My opinion of GA is “butt implants.” CT = Wu Tang Clan.

And Florida, the best place in the world, reps Mazda Miata. I love you map guy, AKA me.


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Wolfenstein: The New Order Shows Some Visible Graphics Improvements

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Found these on internet. Not sure if real new game coming out or inside gamer joke. Not sure if old or new game looks more fun. Remember Wolfenstein? I can play original Wolfenstein on my iPhone now. Any PC gamers out there? Whasssssssup PC gamers! Holer.

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Area Teen Must Choose Only One of 43 Available Gangs

Brochure_KidinGangTrevor Hemphill has a problem. There are 43 active gangs in Jacksonville and he can only join one. While variety may very well be the spice of life, many teens are struggling to make the hard choice of which gang to join.

Recently, representatives of the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office downplayed the issue, saying “gangs aren’t a major issue in Jacksonville,” but then also saying “Gangs are a big problem.”

“Well that’s easy for him to say,” teen Hemphill retorted, “He’s already got a gang- the JSO, and he probably hasn’t even considered picking a gang since the 70s, when there was like only Bloods, Crips, Outlaw Bikers, the KKK and Asians to choose from.

For now we will have to wait and see if the JSO and local news media will try to talk about the real problems facing youth, whip up a media fear campaign or just drop it.

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Study Shows Kale Users at Increased Risk of Fart Attack

Mayor-Alvin-Brown---29418746Fitness and health food advocates were shocked this morning to learn that kale, the leafy green once believed to be a “super-food,” might be literally turning their bodies into ticking time bombs.

“I thought kale was going to be the one,” lamented health food enthusiast Gil Nesmith. While its long-term effects on the body are still unknown, for now we can be sure that what was once heralded as the next big thing has now been reduced to little more than this year’s musical fruit.

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