Monthly Archives: August 2012

Art Bar Reunion Drinking Game

There is totally a “Art Bar Reunion” at Pearl some day soon. This is a way to have more fun there. If you really want to have fun, play this cool drinking game with your friends. I’ve been playing this drinking game for years and it never gets old.

Take a chug!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any time you see a “gauged” ear with the earring removed and the destroyed lobe “flapping.”

Take a chug! 

Any time you see someone crap their pants while dancing.

Take a chug! 

Every time you see an “alpha-nerd”

Take a chug! 

Any time you see a girl with different sized boobs

Take a chug! 

Whenever people are happily dancing to a weepy-crybaby-song

Drink from your flask!

If you have to go to the bathroom

Chug one gallon of diarrhea!

If you go to the bathroom and someone is catching a blowie

Do one hit of jenkem!

Every time u see some one staring at the ground dancing.

Take a chug! 

Every time you rip the paper towel thing off the wall in the bathroom

Take a chug! 

Every time you push a girl down cuz she got in your way and you are drunk

Take a chug! 

Everytime some one talks to you and u just walk away.

Take a chug! 

Everytime u hear a song u never liked but pretended to to talk to girlz.

Take a chug! 

Everytime u go to a real bar for a real drink and come back and try to pick a fight but everyone cheeses.

Take a chug! 

Everytime u see a sublime shirt dude knock out a posturing rokabilly-esque dude.

Take a chug! 

Everytime u see a gay looking guy bounce a girl off a sublime shirt dude.

Take a chug! 

Every time you catch an STD from DJ Ricky

Don’t drink anything because you are underage!

Every time a penis enters your butt

Take a chug! 

Every time you see a horrible tattoo

DON’T take a chug!  you could die.

This is what every tattoo I have ever seen looks like to me. This is what every tattoo I have ever seen looks like to me.

Everytime u throw a beer at a mirror as hard as you can and while doing so catch that yo yo dude adjusting his gay hair tendrols.

Take a chug! 



Makin then yoyo bucks BITCH. I’m RICH from YOYOS SUCK ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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Song of the Day | Euphoria by Mondrian

La France does it again!

Oh La France, how do you do it?

Check these dudes. Pop electro French dudes. Sound like they’re 16 years old but crank out perfectly polished pop electro tunes. Keep ur eye on these homeboiz.

this is how you be cool I think.

this is how you be cool I think.

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Song of the Day | Shantytown by Desmond Dekker

So, I was mowing my yard this weekend listening to the The Harder They Come soundtrack. I had forgot about this A+ tune. Yall dig it? How could you not?

Who knew DD looked like such a badass?

Anywayz, I have 3 pieces of advice for you:

1) Dig this tune.

2) Watch this movie.

3) Go to this bar. 

4) Smoke weed every day.

5) Get 2 old-school revolvers 

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Mayor Brown’s Downtown Investment Authority = Waste of Time/Money

Here’s why:

Hooray for Mayor Alvin Brown’s exciting new Downtown Investment Authority! Hooray for downtown!

Read my lips: I do not want gay money.

I’m with you all the way on this one Mayor Brown, but I can’t get around the fact that all money pooped into this fund will likely go down the toilet. It will probably get flushed because the city council and mayor are openly hostile to gays.

Mayor Brown, where do you think gays live? Do gays live downtown or out in the country?

Via Wikipedia’s

Demographics of sexual orientation

Rank City Percentage
of city
population
GLB Population
population rank
1 San Francisco 15.4% 94,234 4
2 Seattle 12.9% 57,993 9
3 Atlanta 12.8% 39,805 12
4 Minneapolis 12.5% 34,295 16
5 Boston 12.3% 50,540 10
6 Sacramento 9.8% 32,108 20
7 Portland 8.8% 35,413 14
8 Denver 8.2% 33,698 17
9 Washington 8.1% 32,599 18
10 Orlando 7.7% 12,508 36

Top Ranked by Total Population:

Rank City Percentage
of city
population
GLB Population
population rank
1 New York City 6% 272,493 1
2 Los Angeles 5.6% 154,270 2
3 Chicago 5.7% 114,449 3
4 San Francisco 15.4% 94,234 4
5 Phoenix 6.4% 63,222 5
6 Houston 4.4% 61,976 6
7 San Diego 6.8% 61,945 7
8 Dallas 7.0% 58,473 8
9 Seattle 12.9% 57,993 9
10 Boston 12.3% 50,540 10
11 Philadelphia 4.2% 43,320 11
12 Atlanta 12.8% 39,085 12
13 San Jose 5.8% 37,260 13
Rank City GLB GLB%
population
1 New York City – Northern New Jersey – Long Island, NY 568,903 2.6%
2 Los Angeles – Long Beach, CA – Santa Ana, CA 442,211 2.7%
3 Chicago–Naperville–JolietIL 288,478 3.1%
4 San Francisco – Oakland – Fremont, CA 256,313 3.6%
5 Boston – Cambridge, MA – Quincy, MA 201,344 3.4%
6 Washington, D.C. 191,959 2.5%
7 Dallas – Fort Worth – Arlington, TX 183,718 3.5%
8 Miami – Miami Beach – Fort Lauderdale 183,346 4.7%
9 Atlanta – Marietta, GA – Sandy Springs, GA 180,168 4.3%
10 Philadelphia – Camden, NJ – Wilmington, DE 179,459 2.8%

Gays live in cities. But, they will not want to live in your city because you treat them like shit.

They will go to other cities. They will go to cities where the mayor does not treat them like shit.

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Monday Morning Gif Roundup

Hey dudes!

I spent all weekend, like 72 hours straight, scouring the internet for the hottest new gifs.

Here they are!!!!!!!!!

Dear Technology,

When will you allow us to put .gifs on t-shirts? Why is this too much for you to handle? We want it all. We want it all. And we want it now. 

Cheers,

J. Jerk

Ps, I lied. I did not find these .gis on the internet. I found them in a folder named “top finishers” on the desktop of Tarlton Samuels’ computer. Well, at least we know now to what Tarlton finishes. Thanks, T$!

Seriously, though, why couldn’t it have been Dennis Miller that got cut down in his prime instead of Phil Hartman? Fuck Dennis Miller. He aint funny. His shit is lame. RIP PH.

One more time for the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Tarlton Samuels is a pale man with more Dungeons and Dragons-themed tattoos than you would believe. He and his dog “Puffie” share an Avondale garage apartment, subsisting on a diet of off-brand cheese curls and dryer lint from the laundr-o-mat.

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Some Local News Geniuses Read a Shit-Load Fake Names

Happy Friday jerks. I know how much you need this. God knows I needed it.

No matter how many candles I blow out or how many grays my hair grows or how many 12-packs of fatty natties I put away, I am still 13 years old.

Special thanks to J-Jerk sometimes contributor Tarlton Samuls for this hot hot hot youtube link. Our hat is off to you, Tarlton.

You're welcome bitch.

You’re welcome bitch.

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Tarlton Samuels is a pale man with more Dungeons and Dragons-themed tattoos than you would believe. He and his dog “Puffie” share an Avondale garage apartment, subsisting on a diet of off-brand cheese curls and dryer lint from the laundr-o-mat.

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Gay Jax Businesses Thrive in Spite of Hostile City Government

A Recent Burro Bags Advertisement Features “Gay Pride”

In spite of the City Council’s recent ruling that all gays can suckit and the official Fuck All Yall Fags issued by Mayor Alvin Brown, gay business in Jacksonville is thriving. One must look no further for proof than this recent ad posted on FB by Burro Bags, a local retailer and manufacturer specializing in fashion bags for men.

In the ad, we see a mustached young man entering a shirtless blonde boy with a stripped bed in the background.

For me, it is refreshing to see gay business totally kicking ass in spite of the hostile conditions created by Mayor Brown and First Baptist Thug Squad, AKA Jax City Council.

Keep it up boyz! And for the latest in funky fresh cycle gear to help get you and your bike fabulous, get your ass to BB!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take a long hard look, Mayor Brown. This is where men love men. And you’re just gonna have to sit there groovin on it.

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Idiot Mayor Brown Thought This Onion Story Was Real

Whatta boob

Whatta boob

If you hang out on the internet long enough, you’re going to read some pretty funny Onion headlines. Keep watching and you’ll see one that hits close to home, like this one. If you hang out on facebook long enough, you’ll see idiots getting outraged at Onion headlines they think are real. Now our own mayor is among this select class on internet powerusers. Congrats Alvin. We all thought you were dumb for trying to evict the Jaguars from Everbank field that one time and then continuing to antagonize Kahn for some unknown reason which we can only assume involves some type of kickback scenario. Now we just feel sorry for you like one of our dopey aunts or freind’s moms who doesn’t quite understand the internet or reality in general. It’s ok, though. He may be a dumb, dumb mayor. But he’s our mayor. Mr. Brown, the Jerk salutes you.

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Councilman Love: Gay Rape Is Illegitimate

Aw hell, I’m going to Park Place for a stiff one.

In the next chapter of the Republican Party’s total pathetic failure and eventual total implosion, Jacksonville City Councilman Jim Love told reporters this morning that he does not consider gay rape legitimate. “In my opinion,” District 14’s brave representative explained, “a real rape, an actual legitimate rape only occurs between a man and a women. Not a man and a man. Man rape is illegitimate and, in my opinion, will not result in a pregnancy.”

Councilman Love, you’ll remember, is the same genius who proposed a moratorium on all new businesses in the Riverside/Avondale area even though his dumb ass owns a business on Post-and-fucking-King. Also, he’s the same genius who voted against the human rights ordinance amendment to include protections for gays even though he represents THE GAYEST DISTRICT IN THE CITY. Way to go, jack-off!

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