Category Archives: Laughing at Jerks

Local Blog Hosts Haircut Contest, All Are Winners

Metro Jacksonville, a Local Public Interest Blog Hosted a Haircut Contest on Youtube Today

Metro Jacksonville, a Local Public Interest Blog Hosted a Haircut Contest on Youtube Today

Area blogger Stephen Dare rocked the Jacksonville Blog Industrial Complex today with his debut video chronicling the city’s/a handful of moron’s attempts to “fix” Hemming Park.

It is indeed a well executed vlog segment, complete with EXCEPTIONAL HAIRDOS. Your friend the Jerk has the following takeaways from the 5-minute thrill-ride.

  1. In typical fashion, Dare grossly overestimates the breadth, depth, size and clout of his forum. Yes, a bunch of neckbeards are on there all day long star trek analyzing marginally differing public transportation schemes and the like, but it comes nowhere near the 50,000+ membership Dare claims.
  2. Let’s call a spade a spade. Redman, Lee and Jerry Moran = CUNTS. I am going to steer away from the vulgarities now to use the words of my late dear grandmother: “They aren’t worth the dynamite it would take to blow them away.” Dare’s cheeky handling of them is lost on all except the aforementioned neckbeards.
  3. Hemming plaza is an alright “park” at best. They could really put a McDonalds in there and call it a day as far as I’m concerned. MJ is too history-obsessed. If nobody gives a shit about remembering Ax Handle Saturday, then nobody gives a shit about remembering Ax Handle Saturday. Clearly the irony of trying to run all of the black dudes out of the same park where black dudes (and children) were indiscriminately bludgeoned by white assholes 40 years ago is lost on everyone involved. Everyone says hemming is a homeless problem, but most of those dudes aren’t homeless. It is a racism problem.
  4. The real problem with Jacksonville’s parks is that they all suck . Why can’t we have an amazing Piedmont Park-level park on the river downtown? That’s the real question the 19 subhumans need to answer. But, yall already answered it. WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. I have to agree with yall on that one.

Cheers!

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Mayor Brown Proposes Skyway Expansion to Feature Separate Trains for Gays and Straights

A pink monorail used by the homosexual community of Memphis, TN, the model program for Mayor Brown’s monorail segregation scheme.

Proponents of public transportation are applauding a recent proposal by Mayor Alvin Brown to expand Jacksonville’s pathetic Skyway Express. While the proposal will not expand Skyway routes, it will implement additional trains to accommodate the varying needs of Christian and LGBTQA commuters.

According to Tyrell Pharsons the mayor’s secret pastor, the old Skyway cars will be given rainbow paintjobs and be for gay riders only. Then new cars will be added with goose down cushions “fit only for god-fearing asses.” And the new Christian-only trains will be painted gold with gold trim.
Representatives of the local trainblog Metrojacksonville are calling the proposal a “bold new step in the right direction.”
While unorthodox, Mayor Brown’s monorail segregation scheme is being lauded by local LGBTQA rights activists as a marked departure from the mayor’s previous position on LGBTQA rights, which caused him to conspire with First Baptist Church to actively seek the total elimination of all rights for gays. Brown explained “the facilities will be separate but equal, thus empowering the queers to enjoy the train of their choice.

Mayor Alvin Brown poses for pictures with his secret pastor.

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Mayor Brown Advises Alternative to Alternative Lifestyles

Alvin Brown and Clifford the Big Red Dog

Alvin Brown and His Fur Friend

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown a noted homophobe and outspoken furry extols the virtues of exploring alternative sexuality within the confines of heterosexual love.

“Look yall fags, a man doing it with a man is fucking gay!” Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown explained at a press conference, “but a man exploring the world of furry fetishism is a whole nother story.”

The mayor’s claims could not be confirmed because the gender of his plush pal was not revealed. However, it is widely believed that the mayor has on more than one occasion been spanked with a paddle by his pastor.

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Some Local News Geniuses Read a Shit-Load Fake Names

Happy Friday jerks. I know how much you need this. God knows I needed it.

No matter how many candles I blow out or how many grays my hair grows or how many 12-packs of fatty natties I put away, I am still 13 years old.

Special thanks to J-Jerk sometimes contributor Tarlton Samuls for this hot hot hot youtube link. Our hat is off to you, Tarlton.

You're welcome bitch.

You’re welcome bitch.

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Biggins

Tarlton Samuels is a pale man with more Dungeons and Dragons-themed tattoos than you would believe. He and his dog “Puffie” share an Avondale garage apartment, subsisting on a diet of off-brand cheese curls and dryer lint from the laundr-o-mat.

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Idiot Mayor Brown Thought This Onion Story Was Real

Whatta boob

Whatta boob

If you hang out on the internet long enough, you’re going to read some pretty funny Onion headlines. Keep watching and you’ll see one that hits close to home, like this one. If you hang out on facebook long enough, you’ll see idiots getting outraged at Onion headlines they think are real. Now our own mayor is among this select class on internet powerusers. Congrats Alvin. We all thought you were dumb for trying to evict the Jaguars from Everbank field that one time and then continuing to antagonize Kahn for some unknown reason which we can only assume involves some type of kickback scenario. Now we just feel sorry for you like one of our dopey aunts or freind’s moms who doesn’t quite understand the internet or reality in general. It’s ok, though. He may be a dumb, dumb mayor. But he’s our mayor. Mr. Brown, the Jerk salutes you.

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Councilman Redman Breaks 35 years of Meat Abstinence to Eat Chick-Fil-A Yesterday

You can’t make shit like this up.

Jacksonville City Councilman and First Baptist boob Don Redman is known far and wide for his high-lairious hijinx like asking Professor Parvez Ahmed to “pray to his god,” asking attorney Carrington Mead if she considers herself male or female, both of these, of course, asked at very appropriate times like during a city council meeting, and even occupying Occupy Jacksonville. And as of yesterday, we’ve got a new one.

Apparently, Councilman Redman ended 35 years of vegetarian eating to eat a Chick-Fil-A sandwich to stick it to the gays, Folio Weekly’s FLOG reported.

Look at his stupid face. He’s like: “Nomnomnomnomn this is terrible. I’m dying. Must keep eating. Or else the gays will win. Must eat on. Must eat. mmm. Hey wait this is pretty dang good.”

Look how he spelled Chick Filet. Like he’s going to sit sown and order the Filet and a glass of pinot. What a fucking moron. Go honor my balls while you’re at it lil man.

Seriously, what a dildo. Fuck you Redman. Fuck you.

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Councilman Love Removes Shirt Revealing Tattoo

In an unprecedented turn of events, District 14 Councilman Jim Love ended last night’s council meeting shirtless.

“Things got heated and I felt like all those Southside dickheads were ganging up on me, so I popped the shirt, that’s all. That’s pretty much how we do it in Riverside. Aint nothin to it, really,” Love told a Jacksonville Jerk correspondant.

Most observers agreed that they have never seen a Councilmember remove his shirt before. But what really grabbed the attention of spectators was Councilman Love’s tattoo.

Positioned just left of the Councilman’s naval, the tatto appeared to be a sexy pink power ranger.

“Well that about beats all I ever seen,” said a clearly bewildered old man named Willy.

Representatives of Saban Entertainment could not be reached for comment.

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Mayor Alvin Brown Responds to Flaming Bag Left On His Doorstep

By Marwyn Pristle

“It’s poop again!”, Mayor Brown told reporters early this morning at a press conference in front of his home.  “When I saw it, my first thought was ‘oh no, it’s another one of those flaming bags’.  I should have listened to my wife Santhea when she told me not to put it out with my boots.  Now I’ve got poop all over my good boots.”

When asked whether this may be related to Mayor Brown’s continued resistance to the gay rights bill 2012-296, a top aid to the Mayor had no comment.  When asked if he could provide any comment at all on the incident, the aid stated, “Look, there’s nothing political about this.  He (Mayor Brown) called the shit poop and we all heard it.  Can’t we all just laugh about this and move on?”

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Don Redman Farted at Church

Last Sunday, in what First Baptist Church Senior Pastor Mac Brunson could only describe as a “total pathetic disgrace” Jacksonville perennial candidate and 2-term councilman Don Redman “ripped a stinker.”

“I was leaning in to kneel down for communion and whoop there it went,” admitted Redman, “and everyone looked at me.”

It is not known what the councilman ate for breakfast that morning but one witness speculated it was “probably hard-boiled eggs or maybe some kind of beans or dried meat.”

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Whack RAM Lady Gone Maybe RAM Will Be Less Whack

So, if you ever had any RAM ideas that got shot down by this whack lady, dig em back up and send em to Biggie T, cuz this whack lady is donezo.

The Whack RAM Director Is Finally Gone. Bring Back the RAM Gallery. Bring Back All of Your RAM Ideas.

The Whack RAM Director Is Finally Gone. Bring Back the RAM Gallery. Bring Back All of Your Cewl RAM Ideas. RAM’s Makin’ a Comeback!

WANNA LOCAL RECORD STORE BOOTH IN RAM?

NO!

WANNA YOUR BAND 2 PLAY AT RAM?

NO!

WANNA DO ANYTHING AT RAM NOT GEARED TOWARD 40+ RICH WHITE WOMEN?

NO!

Holler if ya hear me, the Queen of No is out da do(or)!

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