Category Archives: Did You Know?

CDC Names Jacksonville’s Riverside Neighborhood “Ground Zero” for the HPV Virus

746713957_mC9V2-M

Riverside, Jacksonville, FL –

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report this morning naming Jacksonville’s historic Riverside neighborhood as the global epicenter for the Human papillomavirus or HPV. The report makes use of cutting edge disease tracking and computer modeling technology to accurately pinpoint the growth and source of the sexually-transmitted disease. With unbelieveable precision, the new technology actually pinpointed the HPV ground-zero to an upstairs apartment on Forbes Street once shared by a local “indie-dance” DJ and several artists.

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mayor Brown Likens Self to Mace Windu, Dumbledore and Geordi LaForge During Single Press Conference

Mayor Brown Likens Self to Mace Windu, Dumbledore and Geordi LaForge During Single Press Conference

In an address to local journalists Thursday morning, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown left some reporters scratching their heads as they tried to keep up with what some might call an excessive amount of references to movies and television shows. Mayor Brown’s address contained at least 67 mentions of titles, characters or plot elements from popular entertainment of the last 50 years.

Members of his administration claim that the change in Mayor Brown’s political strategy began late last month, when the Mayor discovered he could watch Netflix on his office computer. “We literally did not see the Mayor for two weeks”, explained Chief of Staff, Chris Hand, “As far as I know, he didn’t even leave his office to pee. When he finally came out of there, he was like this.”

During his speech, the Mayor talked about his accomplishments and struggles during his time in office, comparing himself to Jedi Master Mace Windu, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry’s Professor Dumbledore, and Federation engineer Geordi LaForge, respectively.

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown's Chief of Staff Chris Hand Models New Uniform Designed by the Mayor for All COJ Employees

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown’s Chief of Staff Chris Hand Models New Uniform Designed by the Mayor for All COJ Employees

Mayor Brown then moved on to discuss the development of Jacksonville’s Urban Core. Finding new ways to incentivize businesses to move their operations downtown, the Mayor claimed, was like “seeking unobtainium on Pandora”. When pressed to clarify what that meant, Mayor Brown likened Jacksonville’s outward spread over the past 40 years to “the boat that couldn’t slow down in Speed 2.” The Mayor explained that Jacksonville developers were addicted to money, like the fictional drug Nuke from Robocop 2 and that they feared that if land development slowed, even a bit, “their businesses would die, like that dude in Crank”. Mayor Brown then revealed that he was working on a new strategy to develop the downtown area, although details were scarce. “I want more businesses to move downtown”, he stated, “So I’m going to make them an offer they can’t refuse, like in Analyze This.”

Before ending, the Mayor talked a bit about his first two years in office. “When I was first elected”, He explained, “it was like I was rookie of the year. I was unbreakable. I felt like the boy who could fly, the prince of tides. After a while, though, I started to feel trapped in the matrix of bureaucracy, like I was lost in a labyrinth. I started to think I would be better off dead. But I tell you what, Jacksonville, I have gotten my groove back and I am walking tall. When history looks back on my administration they will not see just another case of arrested development.” Mayor Brown punctuated this remark with a chicken dance similar to the one featured on the television show Arrested Development, before taking the mic again. “In closing,” He said, “Harry and the Hendersons. Thank you.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Brown, Secret Pastor Veil Satanic Ambitions Behind “Interfaith Breakfast”

Mayor Alvin Brown uses the satanic symbol of the pyramid as a secret symbol to his followers that his satanic apocalypse is nearing completion.

Mayor Alvin Brown uses the satanic symbol of the pyramid as a secret symbol to his followers that his satanic apocalypse is nearing completion.

Does anyone else find it strange that the Mayor is using the symbol of the pyramid intertwined with a satanic bird in the logo of his so-called “interfaith breakfast?”

The symbols hide in plain sight.

The symbols hide in plain sight.

Mayor Alvin Brown pretends to serve only Jesus and his secret pastor, but it is becoming clear that his nefarious ambitions extend far beyond this mortal realm and possibly beyond the gates of hell and Mordor.

It is easy to connect the dots once your eyes have been opened to the shadowy forces lurking in the shadows of our shadow government's leaders and the power elite.

It is easy to connect the dots once your eyes have been opened to the shadowy forces lurking in the shadows of our shadow government’s leaders and the power elite.

Why would Alvin Brown’s secret pastor risk revealing his true form to the public?

The answer is simple. He wouldn’t. He appears in the form of a church-man, standing at the right hand of his pupil and subordinate: Brown.

But we have seen his true form.

Mayor Borwn's Secret Pastor was on hand to clarify any

Mayor Borwn’s Secret Pastor’s true form. 

What do Brown and his secret pastor seek to gain by bringing all faiths together to join in his so-called “interfaith breakfast?” It wasn’t clear to me at first, but now it is as clear to me as a crystal clear glass bowl filled with hot clear soup.

Brown and his secret pastor have applied a time-release daemonic curse upon the leaders of all faiths. The really sad part is that no one will know the evil until it is too late.

Reject the mayor and his empty promises.

Beware the one who calls himself the mayor’s secret pastor.

It might already be too late for you.

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

NWO

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

An Irresponsible Manifesto

Woah dude!

I saw this on facebook and it was just filthy enough to tweak my interest. I am totally a sucker for manifestos.

971179_544344452282377_1181179890_n

This is some wild-ass shit. There are like 900 catch phrases in here that I am probably going to work into everyday usage.

So, what do yall fuckable cumsluts think? ? ?

Tagged

Mayor Brown and Navy Ink Last-Minute Deal Reinstating DADT in Jacksonville

Mayor Alvin Brown Signs Agreement with United States Navy Reinstating "Don't Ask Don't Tell" for All Naval Operations within Jacksonville City Limits

Mayor Alvin Brown Signs Agreement with United States Navy Reinstating “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” for All Naval Operations within Jacksonville City Limits

Naval Station Mayport, FL-

It came down to the 11th hour, but the U.S. Navy was finally able to come up with a deal to keep gay-hating Mayor Alvin Brown from kicking them all out of Jacksonville. In an unprecedented move, the mayor took his crusade against homosexuals to the next level by asking the Navy to leave town unless they conform to the city’s policies on treatment toward queers.

Mayor Brown explains the subtle nuances of DADT to 2 recently re-closeted seamen.

Mayor Brown explains the subtle nuances of DADT to 2 recently re-closeted seamen.

Rear Admiral Seth T. Nelson had the following to say: “I have never in all my 34 years of seamanship seen any land-mayor push back so hard against any navy. This guy [Brown] fucking hates gays: gay guys, lesbians, DL thugs, trannies, queens, queers, closet gays, circlejerkers, merchant marines, thespians- you name it. If you aint First Baptist Church straight, you better believe you’re on his list.”

Mayor Alvin Brown scolds would-be homosexuals.

Mayor Alvin Brown scolds would-be homosexuals.

A spokesperson from Brown’s office defended the policy change, saying “We are merely rolling the policy back to pre-2011 standards. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” served the nation perfectly well from 1993 – 2011. Now, the Hollywood Glitterati and the U.S. Navy are going to try to tell you a sad story about how DADT is unfair and an affront to “human rights” or “human decency,” but I assure you these are ravings of leftist mad man; gay, gay leftist, flag-burning mad men.”

Mayor Brown could not be reached for comment, but his pastor stated that while job creation is important for the city, we are not trying to increase the number of rim-jobs and blow-jobs.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mayor Alvin Brown Laments New McDonalds Opening without Him

Mayor Alvin Brown poses for a photo with Ronald McDonald against the urging of his pastor to stay away from men in makeup.

Mayor Alvin Brown poses for a photo with Ronald McDonald against the urging of his pastor to stay away from men in makeup.

Not one to miss an opportunity to appear in a photograph standing next to a person who did something, Mayor Alvin Brown regrets missing the opening of a new McDonald’s restaurant in Downtown Jacksonville last month. “It’s a wonderful restaurant!” exclaimed the Florida Times Union’s Gary T. Mills, Jacksonville’s only respected food journalist.

Brown addressed his senior staff this morning appearing visibly shaken upon learning of the new McDonald’s and his missed photo opportunity. “Look guys, you know I needed to be in on this,” Brown held back tears, “This is the next-fucking-level shit I am talking about.”

“I want to see a show of hands,” Brown stood up leaning over the conference table, “How many of you have ever had a McRib?”

“A MCRIB IS NEXT FUCKING LEVEL!” the mayor losing his cool, stormed from the conference room.

A senior Mayor’s office source who refused to speak on record indicated that it is unlikely that the mayor will be absent from any upcoming ribbon cutting, graduation, quinceanera, navy homecoming, teamsters meeting, punk concert, bar trivia, fishing trip, church council meeting, book club, 5k, health fair, sock hop or live radio remote for the foreseeable feature.

“Pretty much, if it’s a thing where a person can go and another person can look at a person, the mayor will be there. We can not let another SNAFU like McDonalds-gate happen again. I must not fail the mayor,” the source reported.

As a last-ditch effort, the Mayor’s communications director e-mailed me this picture to distribute on the web in hopes that some small children or less educated Westsiders might be led to believe that the mayor actually did attend the McDonald’s opening.

Sources with McDonald’s declined requests for comment, but did verify that the McRib is next-fucking-level-shit.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Juicy J Playing in Duval Tomorrow Night Bitches

8626105_orig (1)

Check it out, yall. Juicy J’s coming to town. He’s playing at “Brewster’s Roc Bar,” which I assume is the old Plush.

If this wasn’t on a Thursday or I wasn’t a sad old person, I’d love to see this dude. You should go. You’re young and hip. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you don’t go, you’ll spend the rest of your life wonder what a make her dance.

Don’t worry about that one. I’ll tell you, it’s bandz.

You should so go to this show and then send me some pics. I will totally post them on JACKSONVILLEJERK DOT WORDPRESS DOT COM. And I will totally attribute them to the twitter handle of your choice. Imagine all your new followers! 

Seriously go. Ans if he doesn’t play Slob on my Nob, throw a champagne bottle at his head. It will be rad.

PEACE

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Idea: Somebody Should Go 2 One Spark as this Guy

I would plop something in the bucket for any character portrayed by Phil Hartman.

I wonder if there was a dude like this pitching the monorail to Ed Austin back in the day.

Who all is going to One Spark? What are the game changers yall are interested in? I kind of want to learn more about all of the One Sparkerz. Party in the USA boi!!!!!!!!!!!

Tagged ,

The Mantis Shrimp Is Fake

false

A recent post from popular Internet website the Oatmeal is burning up newsfeeds today showcasing a colorful and educational glimpse into the life of a lesser-known sea creature called a mantis shrimp. Pretty much everyone can agree that it is a fantastic and beautifully rendered piece of sciency art. But there’s just one catch. There’s no such thing as a mantis shrimp and the entire story is a lie, according to mythbursting site Snopes.com.

According to Snopes’ Senior Internetologist Ray Buntman, the Oatmeal even created a trumped-up wikipedia entry for the crank crustacean. Why would they do this, you may ask. “The answer is simple,” Buntman explains “The article is a prime example of a website gone out of control in a cynical and dangerous ploy for clicks. They get paid for literally every click, so they will do anything to get the clicks and get on your Facebook feed to get thousands and thousands of more clicks.”

While it may seem harmless and innocent, there is a dark underside of Internet link phishing and the global security implications may never be fully understood. As long as there are completely amoral money-hungry websites like the Oatmeal out there, my advice to you is clicker beware.

Tagged , , , , ,

When is the New Arrested Development Season Coming out on Netflix?

The new Arrested Development season is coming out on Netflix May 26.

The new Arrested Development season is coming out on Netflix May 26.

They’ve been talking about this thing for so dang long now, I’ve lost track of my expectations  and maybe even my original interest in the show. First they were going to bring the show back. Then, they were going to make a movie. Then they were like: dudes, it’s cool, we’re gonna drop a whooooooooooooole new season on Netflix. And I was like ok sure whatever. I’ll believe it when I see it. But, now shit’s real. They were hypin it up on “The Today Show” this am. Yes, I watch “The Today Show.”

So what? Are the first 3 seasons even funny anymore? I guess. I can watch tv shows I like over and over and over again. I think I’ve watched every episode of the Simpson, King of the Hill and the Office at least 5x each AND WILL WATCH MORE. I’ve probably watched Arrested Development’s 3 seasons 5x each too and will keep re-watching. But something about them is just kind of annoying. I think it’s Jason Bateman. I mean he’s a great straight-man, but come on, fuck you Michael Bluth. Go buy us a coffee, ya bitch.

Anyways: I’m gonna watch the shit out of the new AD episodes and I’m probably gonna re-watch the shit out of the old episodes. Because that’s just what I do. You will too. And now you don’t have to google “when is the new arrested development coming out on netflix,” cuz I already did it for you. BYEBYE

Maybe this guy makes AD 1-3 seem dated and/or too cutesy/cheeky. I don't care. Fuck you Ronald H, I'm watching the new shit anyways.

Maybe this guy makes AD 1-3 seem dated and/or too cutesy/cheeky. I don’t care. Fuck you Ronald H, I’m watching the new shit anyways.

 FUCK YOU RONALD H 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,