In an address to local journalists Thursday morning, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown left some reporters scratching their heads as they tried to keep up with what some might call an excessive amount of references to movies and television shows. Mayor Brown’s address contained at least 67 mentions of titles, characters or plot elements from popular entertainment of the last 50 years.
Members of his administration claim that the change in Mayor Brown’s political strategy began late last month, when the Mayor discovered he could watch Netflix on his office computer. “We literally did not see the Mayor for two weeks”, explained Chief of Staff, Chris Hand, “As far as I know, he didn’t even leave his office to pee. When he finally came out of there, he was like this.”
During his speech, the Mayor talked about his accomplishments and struggles during his time in office, comparing himself to Jedi Master Mace Windu, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry’s Professor Dumbledore, and Federation engineer Geordi LaForge, respectively.
Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown’s Chief of Staff Chris Hand Models New Uniform Designed by the Mayor for All COJ Employees
Mayor Brown then moved on to discuss the development of Jacksonville’s Urban Core. Finding new ways to incentivize businesses to move their operations downtown, the Mayor claimed, was like “seeking unobtainium on Pandora”. When pressed to clarify what that meant, Mayor Brown likened Jacksonville’s outward spread over the past 40 years to “the boat that couldn’t slow down in Speed 2.” The Mayor explained that Jacksonville developers were addicted to money, like the fictional drug Nuke from Robocop 2 and that they feared that if land development slowed, even a bit, “their businesses would die, like that dude in Crank”. Mayor Brown then revealed that he was working on a new strategy to develop the downtown area, although details were scarce. “I want more businesses to move downtown”, he stated, “So I’m going to make them an offer they can’t refuse, like in Analyze This.”
Before ending, the Mayor talked a bit about his first two years in office. “When I was first elected”, He explained, “it was like I was rookie of the year. I was unbreakable. I felt like the boy who could fly, the prince of tides. After a while, though, I started to feel trapped in the matrix of bureaucracy, like I was lost in a labyrinth. I started to think I would be better off dead. But I tell you what, Jacksonville, I have gotten my groove back and I am walking tall. When history looks back on my administration they will not see just another case of arrested development.” Mayor Brown punctuated this remark with a chicken dance similar to the one featured on the television show Arrested Development, before taking the mic again. “In closing,” He said, “Harry and the Hendersons. Thank you.”