Monthly Archives: June 2014

Judge Orders Macklemore to Apologize

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Seattle, WA

“Well, you can start with your haircut,” Judge Thomas Smales responded to the raised eyebrows of the Seattle-based rapper’s defense attorney.

Judge Smales continued “Apologize to all of humanity for your haircut and its infinite trendiness and whackness. Doesn’t the sides of your dumb-ass head get cold, you Miley Cyrus-looking-bitch-boy?”

“Go on from there and apologize to specific groups, like apologize, for instance, to all white people for representing them in mainstream rap.”

“Then apologize to all black people for becoming a rapper.”

“Apologize to Chinese people just because.”

“Apologize to Mexican people for, well, you know why.”

“Apologize to gays for co-opting their cause for equality to sell your whack records.”

“Apologize to me for the strange boner your whispery rap voice gave me one time.”

“Apologize to Genghis Khan for copping his high collar fur jacket style.

“Apologize to Pearl Jam.”

“Apologize to rap fans.”

“Apologize to all rappers.”

Judge Smales then stood up and grabbed his crotch through his black judicial robe, said “bulee-dat,” dropped his microphone on the floor and walked out of the courtroom.

 

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Jacksonville.com Thrusts Readers into Inception-Like Mind Trip with Bizarre “Website-within-a-Website” Cover Story

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And now yall have to deal with the website-within-a-website-within-a-website world I have created.

 

Study Shows 9 out of 10 Millennials Unsure as to Where Los Locos Will Kick Their Balls

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Jacksonville, FL

Let’s face it: we all know members of the “millennial” generation who are lazy social media junkies, raised on video games with graphics better than real life, who won’t look up from their cellphones to make eye contact with you and would rather disassemble than actually get jobs. But, did you know that many millennials have actually not even seen every movie made in the 1980’s like you and I have?

They don’t know where Los Locos will kick your balls to after they finish kicking your ass and your face, respectively.

Like if you remember what vidya game was unveiled in 1989’s The Wizard starring Fred Savage, some wiener kid.

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1982 Called and Said Listen to This | The Members – Radio

Yo, if yall jerks are anything like me, you have been bumping the Duck Sauce Duck Tape (below) for a while now and have maybe even tried googling some of the choice-ass tunes the Duck Sauce bros play in this sick-ass mix tape. I had the pleasure of running across Radio today and thought I’d pass it on. Enjoy: these jams, Friday the 13th and the weekend beyond. See yall on the other side.

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Lord Humongous Denied Bank Loan

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Jacksonville, FL

Yesterday morning injustice reared its ugly head in a Jacksonville, Florida, Bank of America branch when Lord Humongous applied for and was denied a bank loan. According to eyewitnesses, Lord Humongous was visibly shaken and taken to tears upon hearing that his boat loan application had been denied. Humongous nor B of A representatives could not be reached for comment.

 

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96 Camaro Qualifies to Run for City Council District 4

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Election season is heating up and candidates have already begun qualifying. The race for Jacksonville City Council District 4, which is currently held by beloved brain doctor Don Redman, shifted into fifth gear today when a teal 1996 Chevrolet Z28 qualified for the race. Local political insider Stephan Bear gives the the dark-horse Chevy fair-to-moderate odds “considering it’s the Z28 model and that it came from the factory pushing 285 hp and 325 lb-ft of torque, plus it’s teal, which plays well here. For now we will have to wait and see as this election season revs up.

 

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One Spark Shake-Up Ushers in New Director

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Jacksonville, FL

One Spark staffers and supporters were shocked this morning to learn of Executive Director Joe Sampson’s abrupt departure and replacement by crowdfunding outsider Lord Humongous. While details of the coup are still sparse, a source close to the organization has informed us that Sampson’s departure was amicable and that he welcomes the change. An aid to Lord Humongous reported that the new leader will be changing the title of his position from “Executive Director” to “Ayatollah of Rock n’ Rolla.”

 

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JSO Officer a Suspect in Incident Involving Helicopters, Machine Guns, Space Ships and Comical Farts

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A Jacksonville Sheriff’s Officer identified only by the surname “Jones” was placed on temporary suspension yesterday, as investigators look into an as yet unreported incident at police headquarters.

Jacksonville Jerk spoke with an officer at the scene, who reported that the incident involved “Helicopters, machine guns, spaceships and aliens or some shit. I don’t know, I didn’t see anything, but I could hear everything.” The officer also reported the presence of “all kinds of bleeps and bloops and some comical, well-timed farts”.

This is all the information available on the incident at this time. When approached for comment, Jacksonville Sheriff John Rutherford simply raised a megaphone to his lips and bellowed “Kiss my rosy red ass, Mahoney!” It is still unclear exactly what this meant, as well as the extent to which this “Mahoney” was involved in the incident in question.

 

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Jacksonville.com Will Transition to Mug Shots-Only Site This Summer

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Big changes are on the way for the Florida Times Union’s online news vehicle Jacksonville.com.

FTU editor in chief Terrence Terrel told the Jerk that Jacksonville.com is going to “double down on what we know works, mug shots.”

“We’ve been running a mug shots pilot, with at least one mug shots article per day, for a couple of months now, and the results are undeniable,” Terrel explained, “With the mug shots strategy, we are finally getting the clicks our advertisers have been craving.”

Starting August 1, Jacksonville.com will be a mug shots-only website.

There is no word yet on how many jax.com staffers will be retained after the format change. But a FTU insider has assured me that Gary T. Mills’ food column will be safe.

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