Monthly Archives: June 2012

8 Riki Oh Gifs

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Yo! Have yall ever seen Riki Oh before? If not, first: eat shit. Then: lick my boots clean. You got that?

Happy Friday!

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We die together.

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Song of the Day | Maria (I Like it Loud) by Scooter

Yo, today’s song of the day is possibly the stupidest song I’ve ever heard. Also, today’s song of the day won’t leave my brain alone.

I understand that maybe everyone who reads this blog might not share my zeal for European jock jams. I, for one, celebrate all jock-jams, American, European and other.

And, if you’ve ever been to a Jaguars game, you’ll recognize some Euro-Futball tunes that have caught on in the states, such as this one. 

You know that shit’s dope.

So, what the fuck is up with Scooter? How the fuck should I know? I’m an American. How am I supposed to deal with this music? I have no frame of reference to deal with Scooter. He aint Atari Teenage Riot. He aint Daft Punk. He aint watered down US techno. He aint any shit that overly image/self conscious American music consumers are ready for. What will it mean for my self image if I bump Maria (I Like it Loud) loud as shit in my Jetta or F-150 or Mustang 5.0? What will it mean for me as a self if I let this into my life?

Scooter oh Scooter. He’s clearly some kind of post-Prodigy “hardcore” techno dude that is simultaneously fucking redeckaloos and ficking sick. I like when he goes duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.

Enjoy.

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12 Ammendments to the City’s Human Rights Ordinance Mayor Brown DOES Support

Despite Mayor Brown’s open disdain for the thousands of LGBT Community Members who voted for him based on his promise to support an ammendment to the HRO to include sexual orientation as a class protected from discrimination in Jacksonville, the Mayor isn’t all that bad of a guy. In fact, the Mayor actually supports the addition of several protected classes to the City’s Human Rights Ordinance. The following items have all been supported by the Mayor for addition to the Human Right Ordinance.

1. Protection from Discrimination for People Who Say “Pacifically” and “Irregardless”

“Read my lips. Words are hard. And it should not cost you a good job just because you talk real. Aight?”
-Mayor Alvin Brown

2. Protection from Discrimination Based on Movie Taste
“Lookit, I’m tired of the faces people make when I say I want 2 tickets to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon. It’s just a movie. And I want to watch it, ok. I don’t need your pimply high-school, box-office working ass silently judging me.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
3. Protection from Discrimination Based on Pet Preference
 “Dude, I am a kitty cat man. I can’t change this. I was probably born this way. If I love fluffy kitties and you love dogs, so be it. We must live in peace.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
4. Protection from Discrimination Based on No-Contract Cell Phone Company Preference
“Come on guys.  You know I love my Metro PCS but, shit, Boost had that one commercial with Jeezy in it.  That’s pretty cool.  At the very least, can’t we all agree that Virgin Mobile is basically for gay people?  I’m not saying anything against Virgin or gay people, but Virgin Mobile IS for gay people.  It is.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
5. Protection from Discrimination for Men Who Pee Sitting Down
“Now I am not that saying that I personally pee sitting down, but I’ve seen it a million times, a guy needs to take a leak somewhere public, like city hall maybe, and he doesn’t want to get piss all over his $700 suit pants, so he’ll slip into a stall and bust a squat-pee real quick and go about his business, but sometimes there’s other guys out in the bathroom, you know, they don’t say anything but you know what they’re thinking, right. That guy pees sitting down and I don’t respect him. This is wrong and I will fight to protect men from this discrimination.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
6. Protection from Discrimination Based on How Stupid You Look
“I need to say something about this, because I see it every day in this city and it just isn’t right.  You shouldn’t be denied opportunities just because your mouth hangs open all the time, or you get a stupid look on your face when you think real hard or just because the general look of your face might make you appear to be an idiot, a dumbass, a weenis or a dingus.  It is not right and it needs to stop now, people!”
– Mayor Alvin Brown
7. Protection from Discrimination Based on What Your Calvin Sticker is Peeing On
“It’s nothing new to say that there’s a lot of bad feelings between Ford Truck Men and them Chevy Riders.  But we can no longer let the urine stream of a cartoon boy on a sticker perpetuate this cycle of hate.  So, from today into eternity, I say, ‘Do not judge a man by the content of what his Calvin is peein’ on, but by the content of what is in his heart.'”
– Mayor Alvin Brown
9. Protection from Discrimination for People Who Do Not Have Bank Accounts & Prefer to Get Their Paychecks in the Form of Visa Gift Cards
“We must protect those, who by no fault of their own, always get declined by the pizza place because their pizza costs $18.17 and their card only has $1.09 on it because they had to put a flat-screen on layaway at the pawn shop.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
10. Protection for Discrimination Against People Who Prefer to Pull Their Socks up when They Wear Shorts and Sandals
“Lots of people from Milwaukee move to Jacksonville. We need to accept them and embrace their culture nuances, as strange as they may seem to us”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
11. Protection from Discrimination for People Who Jacked off Right Before Going to the Strip Club
“A man should not face the ridicule of dancers, bouncers or fellow patrons based solely on the fact that the club’s black lighting illuminates white spots on his pants, shirt and glasses. Under my administration, this injustice will not stand.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
12. Repeal the Truck Nuts Ban
When I first faked my way into the Mayor’s Office, I had one vision for the future of Jacksonville. A vision of freedom. Sadly, the flag of freedom is not waving today in Jacksonville. Trucks or even small cars need balls. Even if they drag on the pavement or swing off and bash you grandmother up-side her head, this is the cost of freedom. The freedom our forefathers fought and died to ensure for us. Everyone knows that things need balls. Together, we shall overcome.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
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Poll: 92% Say Computer Can Do Mayor’s Job Better then He Can Damn Do It

The Mayor’s Computer Desk

This is an actual spy photo of the Mayor’s office and his computer desk and the actual picture of himself that he hung on the wall above his desk. A mayor’s office source tells Jacksonville Jerk that Mayor Brown relies on his supercomputer to make all of his decisions, kind of like on that Planet of the Apes sequel when all those people lived underground and worshiped an unexploded missile and a supercomputer was their god.

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Mayor Brown Cancels Q&A Cuz He Don’t Like the Qs

Prove me wrong, bro.

In a move that must be considered by even disinterested observers to have been made in absolute pathetic cowardice, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown canceled tonight’s Ask the Mayor Social Media Town Hall. 

Why did the Mayor cancel the Ask the Mayor Social Media Town Hall? Well, there was a whole lot of rain yesterday and many areas around town were flooded yesterday. That is the brave brave mayor’s official answer.

Why did the Mayor REALLY cancel the Ask the Mayor Social Media Town Hall? Well, probably because the majority of the questions (99.999999999% of them) were about the mayor’s refusal to back the city ordinance to add sexual orientation to the list of things you’re not allowed to discriminate about in Jacksonville.

Why is the mayor so reluctant to throw his support behind this issue even though he callously pandered to the LGBT community to get elected? NOBODY KNOWS BECAUSE HE WON’T SAY JACK ABOUT IT. So, I pretty much just assume that he’s a complete coward and scared of some kind of churchy back-lash, or he genuinely hates gay people.

Which one is it Alvie? ? ? They both suck. They both suck. What’s that thing people say about ducks? If it sucks like a duck and it is as cowardly as a freshly born fuzzy baby duckling, IT MUST BE A DUCK.

I wish that weren’t the case here. But we’ve all given you the benefit of the doubt up to this point Alvin.

Even Archbishop Desmond Mother Fucking Tutu has weighed in supporting the Human Right Ordinance Amendment. 

Where ya at Alvin?

Canceling the Q&A tonight is totally fucking weak. There aint shit to do about  the storm 24 hours later, at night. It is a cowardly evasion. If it is not a cowardly evasion, reschedule. Then answer the questions. Answer them all.

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Avondale Sinkhole Reveals Cthulhu Beneath Home of Tax Collector Mike Corrigan

Mike Corrigan: COJ Tax Collector, Former District 14 Councilman, All-Around Alright Dude

Cthulhu: Ancient Horror, Old One, Very Bad Dude

Friends, Colleagues and constituents of Jacksonville Tax Collector Mike Corrigan were stunned yesterday when a sinkhole caused by tropical Storm Debby-related flooding collapsed the street in front of his house revealing what one witness described as an “H.P. Lovecraft-style dimensional rift between our world and the realm of the old ones.”

Fortunately for Avondale residents, the indescribable, unfathomable and completely incalculable horror residing beneath the front yard of the beloved public official was quickly contained by JFRD.

Fire department spokesman Fred B. reported “Meth lab on fire, Ford Pinto on fire, scary box in Hemming Park, 5-Points eatery blazes, or subterranean lairs of unimaginable ancient terrors like Cthulhus and shit; you know it’s all the same to us. We’re just doing our job.”

Mr. Corrigan could not be reached for comment.

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What is the best place to get high in Jacksonville?

Every now and again, yall have to go out and get high somewhere other than on your couch or in your garage or in your backyard jankem pit. What are your favorite places around town to get high? Do you ever smoke fake weed in the bathroom hallway of Hawthorne Salon in 5 Points? Did you ever hit a whip-it in the back row of San Marco Movie Theater. Please share!

Underneath that bridge between the Loop and Harpoon Louies. Grabbag ❤ weed. More like Grabbag ❤ cocks!

Marty

Cod Fisherman

Out back of Yesterday’s with Steve. RIP Steve!

Ricky

Volunteer

Parking lot of Dave and Busters or parking lot of Adventure Landing (Blanding) or parking lot of Gun Gallery.

Saul
Guardian ad Litem

The paint aisle at the Phillips Hwy Wal-Mart.

Cynthia
Roofer

Up your mother’s ass.

Kendra
Sports Agent

Bishop Kinney.

Chad
Artist

Out back of TCBY

Jenny
Emcee

Mayport Princess.

Francis
Clerk

My friend’s mom has a conversion van and I go smoke out in the captain’s chair and watch some What About Bob on VHS on the 14″ screen.

Arthur
Attorney at Law

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Don Redman Farted at Church

Last Sunday, in what First Baptist Church Senior Pastor Mac Brunson could only describe as a “total pathetic disgrace” Jacksonville perennial candidate and 2-term councilman Don Redman “ripped a stinker.”

“I was leaning in to kneel down for communion and whoop there it went,” admitted Redman, “and everyone looked at me.”

It is not known what the councilman ate for breakfast that morning but one witness speculated it was “probably hard-boiled eggs or maybe some kind of beans or dried meat.”

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Thee End by Toe in the Trigger

Do you like thrash? Do you like punk?

Do you know shit about fuck? Well Fuuuuuuuck Yoooooou.

Seriously though, Jacksonville has a long thrash tradition spanning the late 80s to present day. Remember Powerball, Ringworm, and all those shithead bands of the old school? Remember Grabbag. They’re still out there thrashing for you.

How can you not like Toe in the Trigger? They’ve been at it for years and don’t give a fuck. How could they. The name of their band pays homage to blowing your own brains out with a 12 gauge. This video is pretty fucking old school and pretty fucking rad. These dudes are raw 2 the bone. So dig it.

Go see Toe in the Trigger July 28th @ Phoenix Taproom and start a circle pit. Srsly, circle it up bitchezzzz.

Toe in the Trigger Lead Singer Cyco Bob Looks Like a Badass Metal Bro, But He’s a Really Nice Guy

You know you want to go watch him shred.

Back in the day Toe in the Trigger had this other crazy bro singing/screaming for them. I can’t remember his name but he was totally disgusting. He used to smash himself in the face with the mic until his face got all bloody and then he would spit blood on the audience. I’m glad I never got HIV from that dude. LOL. I think they’re probably playing their best right now with their current lineup.

Go see em @ Phoenix next month for some srsly kick-azz thrash. I’m talkin DRI, Suicidal Tendencies, fuckin GG Allen off the hook shit.

BYE BYE

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