Category Archives: bitch plz

Mayor Brown Calls for Drone Strikes in Riverside

Mayor Alvin Brown Uses Mime to Demonstrate the Dangers of M2M Fallacio

Mayor Alvin Brown Uses Mime to Demonstrate the Dangers of M2M Fallacio

Mayor Alvin Brown announced Monday that the City of Jacksonville will be investing $244M in drone technology to surveil and eliminate gay threats throughout the city. At several times during his highly graphic speech, the Mayor used his hands and other body parts to crudely gesticulate what he called “homo-spiritual sex sins” committed by one one man upon another. The Mayor outlined a highly detailed plan for improving the city’s moral scorecard over the coming months.

Mayor Borwn's Secret Pastor was on hand to clarify any

Mayor Brown’s Secret Pastor was on hand to clarify any confusion over which specific acts of physical stimulation will result in immediate drone annihilation.

Not to leave any room for interpretation or vagueness in his plan, the mayor’s secret pastor was on hand to provide a list of activities that will be deemed unacceptable under the new drone program, which he named “Iron Gnome.”

The following activities will not be tolerated:

  • Rimming
  • Bumming
  • Pegging
  • Bunting
  • Scissoring
  • Hamming
  • Humming
  • Felching
  • Brass Trombone
  • Rusty Trombone
  • Dirty Sanchez
  • Glass Bottom Boat
  • Beaufort Taco Tuesday
  • Fort Building
  • Sally Riding
  • Mincing
  • Slurping
  • Mixed Icee Flavors
  • Excessive Plaids
  • Hummel
  • Phantom of the Opera
  • Flogging
  • Vlogging
  • Blogging
  • Blog-Whip
  • Torture Rack
  • Leather Tornado
  • Bush/Clinton Katrina Interfaith Fund
  • Reverse Cowgirl/Boy
  • Backwards Frankenstein
  • Pool Boy
  • Tommy Boy
  • Gunt Rides
  • Tractor Pulls

Brown said the first site of operation Iron Gnome will be Riverside, where he claims he “once saw a tall fine-ass ho with big-ass titties and a giant butt, but when I got up on her, she was totally a dude.

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Booooooo Angels Not Coming to Town this Fall

Thanks Obama.

thanks-obama-healthy-food

 

Thanks so much for sequestrating enough federal moneys so now we can’t even have a dang Blue Angels air show this year.

Now, yall know I would not have cared a bit if they would have canceled last year’s Blue Angels, because it was at stupid Jax Beach. But this year, it’s our turn to have the Blue Angels on the Westside.

It just aint fair. Does anyone have a connect up in Canada?

Maybe we can get their week-ass aeronautic acrobatics team to come down and buzz our pontoon boats this October.

Help me Canadian Snowbirds. You’re my only hope.

😦

I consider this my personal 9/11.

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WJCT Are Crass Jerks with Negligible Sense of Humor

monorail

It’s not very funny to spoof on the City finally resolving a decades-long failure. But, WJCT thought it was worth their time to enlist a city councilman and a state senator to couch the April Fool’s Day joke which Kerry Spekman call’s the “perfect April Fool’s Day prank” on Folio’s slick new website for idiots. 

Hey I’ve got an idea City Council President Bill Bishop: Why don’t you use your time and office to actually build something down there instead of playing along with WJCT’s pathetic joke, you fucking clown?! It is literally your job to do that. DO YOUR JOB! You are spoofing yourself and the City Council’s decades-long failure with the Shipyards. IT IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY. IT IS FUCKING PATHETIC. FUCK YOU!!!!!!

The Shipyards is the huge plot of empty city-owned waterfront property stretching between the Landing and the Metro Park, which the City is now scared to point any dollars at after pissing away millions in failed development plans during the 90’s, which I guess we can all laugh off now. Now, according to WJCT, the idea of anyone ever developing the Shipyards is an April Fool’s Day joke. It is a piece of fake news designed to be totally unbelievable. Thanks, WJCT. You are truly speaking truth to power.

I don’t feel like getting into the various failed Shipyards development plans, but if you want to read up, I suggest starting here. These dudes write in depth articles about all of our city’s failures.

If you want to read a recent story about City officials failing to develop the Shipyards, look here. Local Beer Baron and philanthropist Ben Davis actually proposed building a river front brewery and entertainment complex at the Shipyards, but Mayor Alvin Brown said no. Alvin doesn’t want to subdivide the Shipyards. I guess he is going to go with one of the other developers or local businesses who is standing in line to invest in the project. Maybe he will go with Houston-based Funtime, Inc.

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Free No More: Jax.com Behind the Pay Wall

If you’re anything like me, you like to read about what bodies were found where and who molested who in the interval between the expansions and contractions of the giant banner ad on the top of Jacksonville.com’s homepage. But in a matter of weeks, this premium web content might be just out of reach for those not willing to pony up some dough.

According to the Jacksonville Business Journal, the Florida Times Union’s parent company, Morris, is throwing up the pay wall in a couple weeks. You can read about it here, if you have a JBJ password or find your uncle’s print copy.

What do you think? Will Littlepage be considered "premium content?"

What do you think? Will Littlepage be considered “premium content?”

The dude in the article says that “pay walls are most successful for publications that have distinctive coverage, like the New York Times…” So, if you ask me, it should be a perfect fit for the TU. When I think of publications providing distinctive coverage, the TU’s right up there. I’m thinking New York Times, Florida Times Union, Coastal Trading Post, Mint Magazine, Bazooka Joe Wrapper, the “Education Plan” that guy hands out in Boone Park sometimes.

So, next week, in the midst of the toughest economy since the year BC 12,014 when the fire cave got soaked and everyone ate raw stink bugs for the next 40 years until we could harness the next lightning strike, and the Florida Times Union is going to cut you freeloaders off from its premium content, yall just remember where to turn on the Internet for the distinctive coverage you have come to crave: The Jacksonville Jerk. Free for all since 2012!

For real though, let’s do this!
The Jacksonville Jerk’s no punk bitch. I’m going to give you a prediction. The jax.com pay wall will last no longer than 90 days. They will want to stick it out and give it a good solid try, but if page views dip below a certain level, they’re pulling the plug quick quicker than any sexual-pull-out-joke of your choosing. Because that’s how advertisers pull out- quickly. What do yall jerks think? Will the Jax.com paywall last? How long? JBJ has a paywall and it’s successful.

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Bad Driver Looked Just Like George Zimmerman

“Dude, get the fuck out of my goddamned way you George Zimmerman-looking mother fucker,” cursed father of 4 Tom Seiss yesterday while attempting to exit I-10 for Roosevelt Boulevard.

“Look at this dumbass, just putzing along going 40, on I-fucking-10. Of course he’s got his cellphone jammed in his ear like a total douchebag. Who the fuck are you talking to, didlo, your boyfriend?” Seiss continued to chide the other driver from the safety of his car.

“It’s not my fault you look exactly like George Zimmerman and can’t fucking drive and can’t stop talking on your cellphone long enough to fucking get over into the right lane so motherfuckers can pass! Just move. Just move now. I wish you were dead.”

Eventually the two parted ways without incident. Fortunately, Tom Seiss’ 4 children were not present to hear this torrent of profanity.

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Brown “Answers” Questions About Human Rights Ordinance

Click the pic to watch Brown’s meandering “answers” to the TU ed-board re: the HRO

Dudes!

Did yall see this?

It’s a video of the Times Union’s editorial board asking Mayor Alvin Brown about whether he supports the Council bill proposed by Councilman Warren Jones which would amend the city’s human rights ordinance to include protection from discrimination based on one’s sexual orientation. The ordinance currently states that, in Duval County one cannot legally be discriminated on based on their religion, race, etc, but NOT sexual orientation.

Watch as the mayor lays out some answers.

He’s like “Well, duhhhhhh, and derrrrrrrrrrrrrr. You know, I buhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Seriously, Alvin you sound like a fucking moron.

His answer is “I will consider any piece of legislation that crosses my desk.”

Really? How bout my bill that proposes the mayor eat 1 dog-doo snow cone for every day he holds the city hostage in the stone age. Will you consider that piece of legislation, ya dildo?

Then, he goes on to pretty much state that Warren Jones never called him about the ordinance before hand and so it’s a bad idea because Brown wasn’t in on it from its genesis. Mayor Brown’s like one of your idiot friends who can’t be the third or fifth person you invite over cuz their feewings get huwt. You have to call him first and make him think the party was his idea.

For real, bro. You need to grow up and deal with shit. This aint going away, buddy.

I take these “answers” as nothing more than a stiff FUCK YOU to every LGBT person living in Duval County. So, whatevs.

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Mayor Brown to Anderson Cooper: Stay Out of Jax

The media was shocked today to learn of Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown’s brutal statement issued to TV celebrity Anderson Cooper regarding his recent “coming out.”

“Look Anderson, I’m glad you’re gay. You’re glad you’re gay. But, don’t get that shit twisted, brah. We for real don’t need no queers round here. Read the law bitch.”

Brown’s stinging tirade continued.

“Look at our local media, boy. We got Tim Deegan. We got Sam with sports. Men’s men, yo. Not a fairy in the bunch. Aint no gays on TV here. Aint gays on shit round here. Get it?”

Oh as if, Mayor.

As if.

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Tutu to Brown: Get on My Level

In a phone call this morning following up after his letter to Mayor Alvin Brown, the Archbishop Desmond Tutu boasted “Mayor you can never ever, never ever, never ever, never ever, never ever get on my level. Get on my level, ho. Get on my level.”

The mayor tried to reply, but Archbishop Tutu set his receiver down next to a very loud speaker playing this chopped and screwed remix.

Several hours later, Tutu was astonished to find Mayor Brown still holding on the phone line. “Bitch, you’re still here? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit,” Tutu remarked before hanging up.

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Mayor Brown Cancels Q&A Cuz He Don’t Like the Qs

Prove me wrong, bro.

In a move that must be considered by even disinterested observers to have been made in absolute pathetic cowardice, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown canceled tonight’s Ask the Mayor Social Media Town Hall. 

Why did the Mayor cancel the Ask the Mayor Social Media Town Hall? Well, there was a whole lot of rain yesterday and many areas around town were flooded yesterday. That is the brave brave mayor’s official answer.

Why did the Mayor REALLY cancel the Ask the Mayor Social Media Town Hall? Well, probably because the majority of the questions (99.999999999% of them) were about the mayor’s refusal to back the city ordinance to add sexual orientation to the list of things you’re not allowed to discriminate about in Jacksonville.

Why is the mayor so reluctant to throw his support behind this issue even though he callously pandered to the LGBT community to get elected? NOBODY KNOWS BECAUSE HE WON’T SAY JACK ABOUT IT. So, I pretty much just assume that he’s a complete coward and scared of some kind of churchy back-lash, or he genuinely hates gay people.

Which one is it Alvie? ? ? They both suck. They both suck. What’s that thing people say about ducks? If it sucks like a duck and it is as cowardly as a freshly born fuzzy baby duckling, IT MUST BE A DUCK.

I wish that weren’t the case here. But we’ve all given you the benefit of the doubt up to this point Alvin.

Even Archbishop Desmond Mother Fucking Tutu has weighed in supporting the Human Right Ordinance Amendment. 

Where ya at Alvin?

Canceling the Q&A tonight is totally fucking weak. There aint shit to do about  the storm 24 hours later, at night. It is a cowardly evasion. If it is not a cowardly evasion, reschedule. Then answer the questions. Answer them all.

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Top 30 Things We’re Doing Instead of Going to the Jacksonville Jazz Festival

  1. Watching the Bachelorette on Hulu

  2. Copper Scrapping

  3. Batman

  4. Hanging out at Boat Ramp

  5. Thnking about Bonnie Prince Billy

  6. Debating Christina Hendricks Boob Job

  7. Metro Drag Show

  8. Clicking Refresh

  9. Skyrim

  10. Canvassing for a Candidate

  11. Venn Diagraming

  12. Porno

  13. Vlogging

  14. Bigfoot

  15. DMT

  16. Moby Dick

  17. Listening to Jazz Records

  18. Speed Dating

  19. Updating LinkdIn Profile

  20. Boiling Peanuts

  21. Showbiz Pizza

  22. Confirmation Class

  23. Smush with Your Boo

  24. Webinar

  25. Logic Models

  26. Whip-its

  27. Driving to Metro Park Looking for the Jazz Fest

  28. Boiling Crabs

  29. Hazing

  30. Waterboarding

    Click the Pic for Actual Jazz Fest Info

    Click the Pic for Actual Jazz Fest Info

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