Category Archives: DUVAL

JSO Officer a Suspect in Incident Involving Helicopters, Machine Guns, Space Ships and Comical Farts

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A Jacksonville Sheriff’s Officer identified only by the surname “Jones” was placed on temporary suspension yesterday, as investigators look into an as yet unreported incident at police headquarters.

Jacksonville Jerk spoke with an officer at the scene, who reported that the incident involved “Helicopters, machine guns, spaceships and aliens or some shit. I don’t know, I didn’t see anything, but I could hear everything.” The officer also reported the presence of “all kinds of bleeps and bloops and some comical, well-timed farts”.

This is all the information available on the incident at this time. When approached for comment, Jacksonville Sheriff John Rutherford simply raised a megaphone to his lips and bellowed “Kiss my rosy red ass, Mahoney!” It is still unclear exactly what this meant, as well as the extent to which this “Mahoney” was involved in the incident in question.

 

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Jacksonville Ranks in Top 1,000,000 of Places that Exist in Reality

Stitched Panorama

Jacksonville, FL

Residents of the River City and Chamber of Commerce members alike made prideful earnest nods at their computer screens this morning when they saw our own beloved ville’ listed among The List of the Top 1,000,000 Places that Exist in Reality published by The International Periodical of Information last Friday.

“It’s great to see all our hard work finally paying off,” said downtown entrepreneur Jake Tokeman, “I have been telling everyone all along that Jacksonville, Florida, is a place on land, that you can go to.”

City pride has never been higher than it is today in Jacksonville, a real place you can go to and do shit at.

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Inside Source Reveals 75% of onlyinduval Instagram Posts Not Duval-Related

oid

 

An inside source connected with the “onlyinduval” Instagram page, which claims to “Bring you the very best (and a little of the worst) from the 904,” came clean to the Jacksonville Jerk this weekend that more than 3/4 of the stream’s content is not related to the River City. “I really wanted to stick with local stuff,” my source explained, “but the truth is this town is just kind of boring, like not much actual funny stuff happens here.”  

If you say so, bro.

Maybe yall should call your stream something like “only in google image search.”

Just sayin that’s all.

 

 

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Area Teen Must Choose Only One of 43 Available Gangs

Brochure_KidinGangTrevor Hemphill has a problem. There are 43 active gangs in Jacksonville and he can only join one. While variety may very well be the spice of life, many teens are struggling to make the hard choice of which gang to join.

Recently, representatives of the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office downplayed the issue, saying “gangs aren’t a major issue in Jacksonville,” but then also saying “Gangs are a big problem.”

“Well that’s easy for him to say,” teen Hemphill retorted, “He’s already got a gang- the JSO, and he probably hasn’t even considered picking a gang since the 70s, when there was like only Bloods, Crips, Outlaw Bikers, the KKK and Asians to choose from.

For now we will have to wait and see if the JSO and local news media will try to talk about the real problems facing youth, whip up a media fear campaign or just drop it.

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Fred Durst Undergoes Preemptive Double Testiclectomy

In the wake of Angelina Jolie’s headline-bursting double mastectomy announcement, Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst announced this morning that he has just undergone a preemptive double testiclectomy.

“Dog, I think I have that gene, so I was basically just sitting on two ticking time-balls,” Durst explained to reporters this morning.

“Now my shit is legit.”

This is the end of this article.

Now enjoy several high quality examples of Fred Durst fan art:

1 Continue reading

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The Real Story Behind the Average Jacksonville Article in Slate

Unless you live in a unabomber shack, you probably saw the recent article published by Slate claiming that Jacksonville, FL, is the most average city in the United States, based on some whack dude’s careful calculations. While Jacksonville may actually be the true statistical mean of the United States of America and you might actually truly be the statistical average human of the Western Hemisphere, the real story to be told here is not one of averages but one of extreme statistical outliers: That guys head.

The dude that wrote the average Jacksonville story looks like someone or something took a shit on his head and then he tried to comb the shit .

The dude that wrote the average Jacksonville story looks like someone or something took a shit on his head and then he tried to comb the shit .

Look at this dudes fucking head! It looks like someone or something took a shit on his head and then he tried to comb the shit like it was hair. Honestly, bro, why can’t we see the top of your head? What are you hiding up there?

You look like those ads Elliot Spitzer ran in NY when he was running for governor and he never showed the top of his head because, I guess, he thought that people might not know that he was bald and then they would vote for him. I can’t even remember if he won. I can however assume that Matty Glasiz is not as good as Elliot Spitzer at banging whores. Spitzer dominates this arena.

First of all. I am the jerk of this town. Not you. So fuck off.

Your head looks like Darth Vader’s head when he takes off his helmet right before he dies and his head is all pointy on top and covered in shit. Why did you let someone or something shit on top of your head right before picture day at Slate.com?

 

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Jacksonville Man Attempts Comedy on Internet, Suicide

Self-proclaimed “Cyber-Funnyman” Timothy Asner of Jacksonville’s Riverside neighborhood, known to some savvy websurfers as “The Duval Dude” faced righteous humiliation Tuesday after posting yet another humorous article on his now-defunct parody blog,www.duvaldude.info, that failed to resonate with the Jacksonville public, or any other human being in any meaningful way.

Asner claims that he worked very hard on the article and that he was initially very pleased with it, until a few hours after it was posted.  When Asner’s japes were met not by the Facebook shout-outs and Twitter retweets that he had hoped for, but instead with the internet’s customary cavernous indifference, Asner admits that he had second thoughts about the quality of the work.

The "Duval Dude" might be some punk kid.

The “Duval Dude” might be some punk kid.

According to the single person in existence who saw the post before it, along with the rest of the Duval Dude website, were unceremoniously erased from history, the comical writing was presented as a “satirical” news story; clearly a weak imitation, some might say, of those that are the stock and trade of the poster boys of the Internet Comedy Industrial Complex: The Onion.

“It was alright, I guess.  There was that one thing on there that was pretty funny,” raved Ryan Jordan, a coworker of Asner’s and one of the few people alive that ever knew that his website was once a thing.  “Most of it was the same tired shit any jerk craps out when he starts a blog.  Before he gives up on it, you know?  Writing workshop type shit.”

Screen cap taken moments before duvaldude.info was deleted.

Screen cap taken moments before duvaldude.info was deleted.

This particular piece of shit was absolutely no different than the pieces of shit previously posted to the site.  “What really pisses me off about it, is that it had this really great premise,” Asner explained between thoughtful sips of a local microbrew.  “It was all about the rapper Xzibit coming to Jacksonville to film an episode of Pimp My Ride and he was going to give a totally bitchin’ pimp job to a bunch of local food trucks, right?  And he goes “Yo, Dog!  I heard Jacksonville likes food trucks so I put a food truck in the back of all these food trucks so ya’ll can go to the food truck when you’re at the food truck!”  He takes another sip and sighs.  “Just kind of playing on the whole food truck thing, you know?”

If anyone in Jacksonville knows, they’re not saying.  The Jokey Journalist removed the post and dismantled the Duval Dude website at 10:47pm, Tuesday night, only six hours and thirteen minutes after posting the article and being soul-fuckingly ignored by the universe at large.  More on this story as it develops.

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Pic of Rick Ross on Top of Florida Theatre

Rick Ross reppin Duval on Top of the Florida Theatre

Click on this shit if you want to zoom in on his fat ass.

Last Friday, Jacksonville really rolled out the red carpet for hip hop’s fakest gangsta. They even closed the Main Street Bridge to accommodate the rapper’s exceptional heft. I did not know, until I found this photo, that they were gonna roll the big guy out onto the Florida Theatre roof. I’m thinking that this Rick Ross video is going to be one tight-ass fucking video. And, I am also thinking that this video shoot going off with zero gang-related violence should be noted as a testament to the benevolent nature of Jacksonville’s typically ruthless gang community. Thanks guys!

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Hot Cheetos & Takis

Holy crap! Have yall seen this?

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuu-val.

My buddy Cyboman, a local rapper, turned me on to this joint last night. It is straight dope.

Be sure to watch all the way through the end. You will see some incredible lil kid rhyming, a bunch of kids in Jaguars jerseys, some creep dude in a referee outfit at the end, some really good poppin and lockin at the end, and a dude dunk a basketball for no reason.

Ps. Have yall ever had Takis? I have not. This is something I plan on pursuing.

Enjoy. You will think about this all day and tomorrow too.

UPDATE: These adorable youngsters rep the Twin Cities, not Jacksonville. I was misled by their jerseys AND cyboman’s enthusiasm. LOL.

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Jacksonville Landing on Slate.com Home Page

Check it out!

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuval.

Answer: Who gives a shit/fuck you.

Answer: Who gives a shit?/fuck you.

Though it might be the graphic for the most asinine campaign story possible, the Jacksonville Landing is currently rocking Slate.com’s home page. 

And all yall haters are just gonna have to sit there grooving on it.

Look! Paul Ryan found a place to park. Maybe you and your fat kids could go downtown and get some chicken tarriyaki too!

Srsly though, who could care less about Ryan’s body fat claims? Left journalists are pathetic. He’s obviously a douchy teabag-style republican senator. Do we really need NPR to delve deeply into his lying about his marathon time?

Get a fucking clue left journalists. Get on some real beef.

How about “Does Paul Ryan Really Want to See the Cost of the Total Elimination of the Social Safety Net His Budget Requires?”

Douchebag Level Infinity

Douchebag Level Infinity

That would be a more interesting story. Try to find a picture of him hurdling over a dying child instead of him fixin to not eat chicken terriyaki because he has to look good in his black mom jeans at the Landing.

We get it Slate. He’s a douchebag. What else do you got?

NOTE: I did not/will not read the slate article.

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