Category Archives: sports

Mayors with Low Self Esteem

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown seeks to boost his self esteem by dunking on old ladies in some park, possible penis size correlation.

Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown seeks to boost his self esteem by dunking on old ladies in some park.

Is it true that Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown recently went to a park and practiced dunking on old ladies to boost his shriveled self esteem?

“Yes, it is true,” a witness reported (the lady in the picture with the blue shirt and white skirt).

“Except for no dunking,” she continued, “The Mayor actually posses a vertical leap capability of just 4″, so he was kind of just doing lay-ups in the old ladies’ faces and yelling a lot.”

“Then,” the nice lady recalled, “Mayor Brown started shrieking at the top of his lungs, like a frightened woman, and he was shouting in peoples’ faces.”

“He kept going ‘And one!, And one, bitch! Count it ya old bitch! And one!”

Eventually all the old people wandered off to take their medicine and the mayor was all by himself and really sweaty. It was hard to tell if he had sweated all through the front of his pants or if had possibly pissed in his pants in all the excitement. After a couple minutes of solo balling, the tall cop lady who always follows the mayor around came over and whispered something into the mayor’s ear. Then they just disappeared into thin air.

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Cut Blackmon a Break Yall | The NFL Is Dicks

My boy, Justin Blackmon

My boy, Justin Blackmon supports the local economy.

Look dudes, we’re all a little saddened by the fact that the craptastic Jags are going to start with an extra layer of crap in their mustaches this season due to Blackmon’s [bullshit] suspension. But let’s not jump all over the dude about it. Who doesn’t like a drink and a smoke every now and then or just every fucking day. If you expect anyone to go through life not drinking and smoking, you are a dick.

Look at him work these dudes. Almost everyone else on the team sucks compared to him. Also, fuck you if you think you're better than someone based on what you don't drink or smoke or snort or inject.

Look at him work these dudes. Almost everyone else on the team sucks compared to him. Also, fuck you if you think you’re better than someone based on what you don’t drink or smoke or snort or inject.

And the NFL are dicks. They’re gonna suspend the dude and not disclose why, just leaving everyone in First Baptist-ville to speculate the worst. For all we know, they have him on a pop-breathalyzer program after he got busted for the DUI last year. Or, even worse… he smoked the marijuana like a cigarette. Yall are dicks.

At least he isn’t on a contract hold out like sacred calf MOJO was last year. The lil prince rolled straight from his contract stand-off into an injury. That was a waste of sobriety if you ask me. Fuck that shit.

ANALYSIS
The Jags are going to suck no matter what this season. At least now we’ll have an excuse for a 0-4 start. Haha. Fuck that. Jags are gonna kick butt. Ace Sanders bitch! ACE!!!!!!!!!

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What You Need to Know about the 2013 Jaguars Part 1: Do Your Job!

Have yall seen this vid of the new Jags head coach Gus Bradley yelling at the Seahawks’ D? Before the Jags hired him, he was Seattle’s defensive coordinator. He led their tough-ass  to the play-offs last year. This is how he motivates giant men.

DO YOUR JOB!!!!!

This guy is awesome. The jags are gonna be sorry as fuck, but this guy is awesome.

If there was ever a perfect universal truth delivered via coach yelling, this is it. What else is there for you to do? Nothing. Do your job! Do it!

1010xl was giving out “Do your job!” t-shirts, but I couldn’t find a link. Does anyone have one? A pic? A link?

I want one. Minor thread? Yep, Minor Thread has one. Buy theirs here. 

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We Blow

Watch this gif and keep watching it until you start to have a minor rage stroke like I did laying in bed last night before I turned off this piece of poop at the end of the 3rd quarter.

It’s alright. I get it. Andrew Luck is good. Blaine Gabbert sucks. The difference between a #1 pick and a #5 pick is just that big. Or, other teams are just luckier in drafting. I get it.

They have a qb who can score 2 TDs running. They have a qb who can tackle dudes. We have the worst team in Jacksonville Jaguars history.

That’s like having the shittiest Dodge Neon on the westside. Or any other stupid metaphor your brain can make.

It’s like having the shittiest metaphor in a Jacksonville blog.

I just get so sick of listening to the NFL network dildos talk about how they think the Jaguars might have had a few bad drafts over the last 5 years. Fuck you motherfuckers. Don’t you come on our fucking TVs and tell us about bad drafts. Just don’t fucking talk about the Jaguars at all during your telecast.

The bulk of the game they didn’t talk about the Jaguars, like at all literally. For the purpose of their broadcast, the Jaguars serve as nameless, faceless bad-guys for the Colts to triumph over. We’re like the foot clan or storm troopers in the narrative.

And the stupid new uniforms only enforce this. We don’t even have teal anymore. The Jaguars are the generic highlight reel tackling dummies for the rest of the league. But, I’m ok with this. I prefer the NFL Network dildos not even mention the Jaguars by name than go into the “gee, Maycok, I sure do think the Jags could have drafted better.”

Fuck you Maycok. Suckit, maycok.

Suck it Jaguars Suck it Maurice Jones Drew Suck it Mike Mularkey Suck it Shad Khan Suck it Blaine Gabbert Suck it Terrence Knighton

Naw I can’t stay mad at Potroast. I think Potroast’s “high hit” on Luck might have been the high point of the game for me, in spite of the fact that it reversed the Jags interception and pretty much deflated that brief spark of momentum.

Ahh fuck it

I forreal am only consuming Jaguars football going forward live at the stadium and via Brian Sexton, the voice of the Jaguars radio calls.

Peace

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Who Is This Dude!?

Winner

WINNER | Sept. 16, 2012; Jacksonville FL, USA; Jacksonville Jaguars defensive back Dwight Lowery (25) grabs a fan who ran onto the field in the fourth quarter of their game against the Houston Texans at EverBank Field. Lowery handed the fan over to security. The Texans won 27-7. Mandatory Credit: Phil Sears-US PRESSWIRE

If you watched the “game” yesterday, I feel bad for ya son. I listened to it on AM 690 and their Melbourne affiliate as I drove back to Jax from S FL.

It was painful enough on the radio. I can’t imagine watching on TV or IRL.

My favorite part was the fan on the field, which the pussies broadcasting always downplay and refuse to show on TV, etc. I get it. Showing fan-on-the-field moments only emboldens future idiots/lets the terrorists win.

But yesterday’s game was sooooooooo crappy, I salute this dude for giving me something to believe in. 

On the radio, they made it sound like Dwight Lowery tackled the shit out of the dude. Fortunately for said dude, it looks like the Jags’ D-Back only wrapped him up and handed him off to the yellow-shirts.

Tick one of your b-list homie. You did it!

So, anyways, who is this dude? Can I interview you for my reputable and widely read blog?

Unlike so-called “responsible” media outlets, I want to hear your story, dude who ran out on field during the Jaguars game.

As far as the rest of the game, I have nothing to say at all. Hit up Stanton grad Alfie @ Big Cat Country for all the real Jaguars talk you can handle.

And if you know who this dude is, hook me up. I want to post his story here.

Srsly, yall, what’s more fun than fan-on-the-field moments? The best part of anything is the part when some shit just goes wrong. When the thin line is crossed.

ttyl

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Jaguars Selling $20 Tickets

Cheap Jags Tickets Now Available

Cheap Jags Tickets Now Available

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

$20 Jags tickets! This is unprecedented. Remember how many years the Jags blew so hard you could scalp a ticket for like $5, but G-pa Weaver kept trying to jam you up for a $60 ticket at the box office? Those days are over fan boy!

It’s hard to not get all mushy fanboy bromancy over Kahn and his rad new policies.

These “Coin Toss” tickets are only $20, BUT:

• You have to go downtown and buy them on Saturday.

• You don’t get to know where they will be in the stadium.

• If you buy more than one, there is no guarantee that they will be together.

But, who cares. Your ass will be IN DA BANK!

You might just get to see an electrifying Jacksonville Texans upset victory, like this one.

I just happened to be in the West Touchdown Club for that game. And I think it changed my life.

So, let’s do it. GO JAGS!!!!!!!

Oh yeah. If you want a cheap ticket and you want a little more control over where you sit and who you sit with, get one from the nonprofit center and you can also designate a local nonprofit, which will receive $20 for every $40 ticket purchase.

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Area Man Never Got Around to Starting Fantasy Football League

Ty Grassley just damn forgot about fantasy football.

Ty Grassley just damn forgot about fantasy football.

Springfield resident Ty Grassley had been in a few fantasy leagues before. “But they were all with dudes I worked with and I never really cared that much,” the self-described mid-level football fan explained.

“This year I was going to start an awesome league with my friends and have a for real draft and all, but you know, I just never got around to it,” Grassley lamented.

“I just kept thinking ok, ok, it’s still just preseason. I still have time. I’ll e-mail everybody tomorrow and get it set up. And then the opening game with the Cowboys and the Giants was on TV and I knew I blew it.”

Grassley explained that he “probably won’t start a league next year because fantasy football sucks anyways.”

UPDATE

Ty Grassley just e-mailed me. He said he was just trying to look tough earlier and that he will pursue his dream of starting a fantasy league next year.

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Idiot Mayor Brown Thought This Onion Story Was Real

Whatta boob

Whatta boob

If you hang out on the internet long enough, you’re going to read some pretty funny Onion headlines. Keep watching and you’ll see one that hits close to home, like this one. If you hang out on facebook long enough, you’ll see idiots getting outraged at Onion headlines they think are real. Now our own mayor is among this select class on internet powerusers. Congrats Alvin. We all thought you were dumb for trying to evict the Jaguars from Everbank field that one time and then continuing to antagonize Kahn for some unknown reason which we can only assume involves some type of kickback scenario. Now we just feel sorry for you like one of our dopey aunts or freind’s moms who doesn’t quite understand the internet or reality in general. It’s ok, though. He may be a dumb, dumb mayor. But he’s our mayor. Mr. Brown, the Jerk salutes you.

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Houston Texans Cancel Jax Trip Due to Human Right Amendment’s Failure

Is it in?

In what many are calling the first casualty in the City of Jacksonville’s “War on Homosexuality,” the Houston Texans have canceled their scheduled appearance at the Jaguars home opener slated for a September 16th 1:00 pm kickoff at Everbank Field.

Texans head coach Gary Kubiak cited the Jacksonville City Council’s recent refusal to expand the city’s human rights ordinance to include protections for homosexuals as the reason for the cancellation. “Now I’m not naming names or anything,” Kubiak explained, “but several of my guys voiced concerns over possibly being victimized as a result of their orientations in what is clearly a very bigoted and violent city.”

Jaguars backup quarterback Chad Henne was interviewed by WJCT’s Melissa Ross and remarked on the cancellation: “Whatever bitch, a wins a win. If they don’t show, they forfeit. Jags win. Go Jags! Fuck you bitch.”

While many Jaguars fans have speculated, there is no way to know for sure to which Texans Coach Kubiak was referring regarding their orientations. When asked about the matter, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown responded: “Sheeeeeeeit, how the hell am I supposed to know which Houston Texans are gay? They’re probably all gay. Shit, Houston’s mayor is some gay lady. I know for a fact their whole defense is gay. Antonio Smith, Brian Cushing, all them dudes are big old 250-300 pound gay guys.”

A spokesman for the Jacksonville Jaguars said no refunds will be given, but fans will be treated to a home opener match-up between the Jaguars and Robert E. Lee High School Generals.

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Dan Hicken Rants at Bob Costas

This is funny. Check out Dan Hicken ranting on First Coast News about Bob Costas’ late sign-off.

Fans of Hicken’s morning show on 1010xl are well aware that he’s typically a little vanilla on First Coast News compared to his AM (and now also FM 92.5) saltiness.

This is pretty good. Lst week on 1010xl, he did like a 15-minute rant about a late night altercation in Jimmy Johns. This dude’s on a roll.

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