Monthly Archives: September 2012

The Drill Sgt from Full Metal Jacket is a Real Dude

His name is R. Lee “Gunny” Ermey and these days he does his face yelling for the NRA via their “Trigger the Vote” website/initiative.

While, I am not trying to tell you who to vote for or how you should feel about the 2nd amendment, I just thought yall might be interested in the fact that this dude,

is for real a dude like this.

 

Enjoy!

You make me want to vomit!

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Hot Cheetos & Takis

Holy crap! Have yall seen this?

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuu-val.

My buddy Cyboman, a local rapper, turned me on to this joint last night. It is straight dope.

Be sure to watch all the way through the end. You will see some incredible lil kid rhyming, a bunch of kids in Jaguars jerseys, some creep dude in a referee outfit at the end, some really good poppin and lockin at the end, and a dude dunk a basketball for no reason.

Ps. Have yall ever had Takis? I have not. This is something I plan on pursuing.

Enjoy. You will think about this all day and tomorrow too.

UPDATE: These adorable youngsters rep the Twin Cities, not Jacksonville. I was misled by their jerseys AND cyboman’s enthusiasm. LOL.

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People Who Clay Yarborough Looks Like | Part 2: Chaz Bono

Enjoy Part 2 in my new investigative series People Who Clay Yarborough Looks Like. In today’s installment, we are exploring the subtle similarities between Clay Yarborough and Chaz Bono.

Additionally, I am taking this opportunity to issue a call for Councilman Yarborough to make public his birth certificate and finally lay to rest the recent and many claims that he was actually born female.

The balls in your court Clay.

Just like last time, you’ll have to click “Continue reading →” to get the full mind-melt of the fast scroll. I have to keep up some homepage discipline. This aint no damn Whacksonville.com!

Continue reading

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Casual Friday Mix-up: Mayor Brown Accidentally Wears Wife’s “Bongo” Jeans To Work

According to sources inside City Hall, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown showed up for work last Friday wearing women’s jeans.  “They were definitely Bongo jeans”, says one city worker, “they were white jeans and they had the high waist and the button fly and everything.”  Mayor Brown’s Chief of Staff, Chris Hand, confirmed the report.  “At first, when I saw Mayor Brown from behind, I was like ‘damn, look at that ass!’.  I mean, the jeans contoured the shape of the Mayor’s buttocks so that they looked like, honestly, one of the finest female asses I have personally ever seen.  I have to admit it, I was totally sprung.”

In response to the mix-up, Casual Friday has been cancelled for all City of Jacksonville employees until further notice.  When questioned about the incident, Mayor Brown made assurances that he is a man, and that in most circumstances he wears men’s clothing.  “People of Jacksonville, I would like to make understood that what happened on Friday was not intentional”, the Mayor stated at a press conference on Tuesday, “It was a mistake that I deeply regret and that I do not intend to repeat.  Somehow, during normal laundry activities, my wife’s pants became integrated with my own pants.  I am hereby suspending Casual Fridays at City Hall until I can be sure that no more of my wife’s Bongo or Jordache jeans are mixed in with my Wranglers, my Rustlers, my Apple Bottoms and my Baby Phats.”

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Free No More: Jax.com Behind the Pay Wall

If you’re anything like me, you like to read about what bodies were found where and who molested who in the interval between the expansions and contractions of the giant banner ad on the top of Jacksonville.com’s homepage. But in a matter of weeks, this premium web content might be just out of reach for those not willing to pony up some dough.

According to the Jacksonville Business Journal, the Florida Times Union’s parent company, Morris, is throwing up the pay wall in a couple weeks. You can read about it here, if you have a JBJ password or find your uncle’s print copy.

What do you think? Will Littlepage be considered "premium content?"

What do you think? Will Littlepage be considered “premium content?”

The dude in the article says that “pay walls are most successful for publications that have distinctive coverage, like the New York Times…” So, if you ask me, it should be a perfect fit for the TU. When I think of publications providing distinctive coverage, the TU’s right up there. I’m thinking New York Times, Florida Times Union, Coastal Trading Post, Mint Magazine, Bazooka Joe Wrapper, the “Education Plan” that guy hands out in Boone Park sometimes.

So, next week, in the midst of the toughest economy since the year BC 12,014 when the fire cave got soaked and everyone ate raw stink bugs for the next 40 years until we could harness the next lightning strike, and the Florida Times Union is going to cut you freeloaders off from its premium content, yall just remember where to turn on the Internet for the distinctive coverage you have come to crave: The Jacksonville Jerk. Free for all since 2012!

For real though, let’s do this!
The Jacksonville Jerk’s no punk bitch. I’m going to give you a prediction. The jax.com pay wall will last no longer than 90 days. They will want to stick it out and give it a good solid try, but if page views dip below a certain level, they’re pulling the plug quick quicker than any sexual-pull-out-joke of your choosing. Because that’s how advertisers pull out- quickly. What do yall jerks think? Will the Jax.com paywall last? How long? JBJ has a paywall and it’s successful.

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Song of the Day | ▲NDRΛS – INVINCIBLE

▲NDRΛS – INVINCIBLE

I don’t always drop song of the days on yall with no explanatory exposition like a space nugget dropped into the woods behind the Shell station for you to Easter egg on your own waking up Sunday morning with a head full of sand, but here’s one.

I don’t know jack about these dudes other than that this is the raddest music video you will watch all week probably and any fuck boy who says other wise is probably wrong.

 

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Mayor Brown Always Roots for Van Owen

Would you believe that Mayor Alvin Brown actually roots for Van Owen every time he listens to Warren Zevon’s classic Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner. That just figures.

Van Owen is totally the bad guy of this song. He literally blows off Roland’s head.

But don’t forget, Roland gets Van Owen in the end.

Now hear this Mayor Brown. Roland will always get Van Owen in the end. 

You can’t hold the underdogs down forever. Even the Jaguars will be good one day.

Now enjoy a small collection of drawings of  Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner. (Source: the Internet)

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Jacksonville Landing on Slate.com Home Page

Check it out!

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuval.

Answer: Who gives a shit/fuck you.

Answer: Who gives a shit?/fuck you.

Though it might be the graphic for the most asinine campaign story possible, the Jacksonville Landing is currently rocking Slate.com’s home page. 

And all yall haters are just gonna have to sit there grooving on it.

Look! Paul Ryan found a place to park. Maybe you and your fat kids could go downtown and get some chicken tarriyaki too!

Srsly though, who could care less about Ryan’s body fat claims? Left journalists are pathetic. He’s obviously a douchy teabag-style republican senator. Do we really need NPR to delve deeply into his lying about his marathon time?

Get a fucking clue left journalists. Get on some real beef.

How about “Does Paul Ryan Really Want to See the Cost of the Total Elimination of the Social Safety Net His Budget Requires?”

Douchebag Level Infinity

Douchebag Level Infinity

That would be a more interesting story. Try to find a picture of him hurdling over a dying child instead of him fixin to not eat chicken terriyaki because he has to look good in his black mom jeans at the Landing.

We get it Slate. He’s a douchebag. What else do you got?

NOTE: I did not/will not read the slate article.

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Tom Kruse

 

There is nothing clever for anyone to say about Tom Kruse. NOTHING.

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John McCain Coming to Jax Campaigning for Romney

Former presidential loser and war hero John McCain is coming to Jacksonville to campaign for Mitt Romney.

To get yall ready for the big event, I am posting this video of last time McCain was in Jacksonville.

Oh man, he’s a war hero and the only republican who gets queasy around torture. You’d think he’d be keeping his distance from this campaign since it’s torture on a national scale. Zing! Oh well.

If McCain got smoked in 08′ and lots of people actually like him, how will Romney fare? Nobody likes Romney. They just hate the shit out of Obama. Shit, even Mayor Brown can’t get behind Obama. Maybe Alvin’s scared a gay person might talk to him at an Obama event.

Photoshoppin like a boss

Photoshoppin like a boss

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