Monthly Archives: April 2013

Cut Blackmon a Break Yall | The NFL Is Dicks

My boy, Justin Blackmon

My boy, Justin Blackmon supports the local economy.

Look dudes, we’re all a little saddened by the fact that the craptastic Jags are going to start with an extra layer of crap in their mustaches this season due to Blackmon’s [bullshit] suspension. But let’s not jump all over the dude about it. Who doesn’t like a drink and a smoke every now and then or just every fucking day. If you expect anyone to go through life not drinking and smoking, you are a dick.

Look at him work these dudes. Almost everyone else on the team sucks compared to him. Also, fuck you if you think you're better than someone based on what you don't drink or smoke or snort or inject.

Look at him work these dudes. Almost everyone else on the team sucks compared to him. Also, fuck you if you think you’re better than someone based on what you don’t drink or smoke or snort or inject.

And the NFL are dicks. They’re gonna suspend the dude and not disclose why, just leaving everyone in First Baptist-ville to speculate the worst. For all we know, they have him on a pop-breathalyzer program after he got busted for the DUI last year. Or, even worse… he smoked the marijuana like a cigarette. Yall are dicks.

At least he isn’t on a contract hold out like sacred calf MOJO was last year. The lil prince rolled straight from his contract stand-off into an injury. That was a waste of sobriety if you ask me. Fuck that shit.

ANALYSIS
The Jags are going to suck no matter what this season. At least now we’ll have an excuse for a 0-4 start. Haha. Fuck that. Jags are gonna kick butt. Ace Sanders bitch! ACE!!!!!!!!!

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One Spark Sucked for Some Downtown Businesses

By: WTF Jax

“I think I made a mistake and didn’t sign up to be in the festival,” one local restaurant owner said. “And people are eating at all those food trucks on Laura. I don’t blame them, though. It’s a first time, so they want to try it.” What she did have a problem with was the pole-dancing-for-fitness display on the corner. “Have you seen those women dancing on the pole?,” she said. “What’s constructive about that?”

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And business was so slow at Gus and Co. on Laura that the manager had time to stand outside and watch the crowd walk by the street, which police had closed.
One Spark, he said, had cut his luggage and shoe repair business in half.

“Customers can’t park,” he said. “I usually have two shoe-shiners, but I had to send one home. I have people pull up, drop off five, six pairs of shoes to pick up the next day. Now they can’t. “I just had a woman call from Georgia who wanted to bring two suitcases down to get fixed. I told her what the street was like, and she said she’d come on Monday.”

Our suggestion for next year to Mayor Brown is to ease the “burden” on the downtown merchants and have a booth with City Council shining shoes for tips and another with the Mayor’s staff pole dancing in business casual attire…….that could solve the complaints and we would definitely vote for that booth.

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4:19, Got a Minute, for Mom’s Spagehtti

A friend of the Jerk pointed this out to me last weekend and I have been grooving on it pretty hard. Now you can groove on it too, spaghetti. And don’t even try to talk shit about Eminem or ICP cuz I’ve got family up in Detroit and they take this shit serious. So I do too.

It’s 4:19 on 4/19. Do you know where your ganj is?

See you bros on 4/20.

Don’t forget to vote for 420 at One Spark.

Mom's Spaghett Can Spook You

Mom’s Spaghett Can Spook You

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One Spark Backer with Ties to Foam Display Board Industry Profited $5M in Lead-up to Festival

Psyche!

Psyche!

More than likely, the names Thadeus Osgood and Imperial Paper Products don’t mean a whole lot to you. Mr. Osgood makes it his business to keep it that way. A “shadow backer” of this year’s inaugural One Spark festival, Osgood and Imperial requested no donor recognition and minimal public disclosure of their involvement.

Why wouldn’t Osgood and Imperial Paper want to be recognized?

Need Help Call My Mom

Need Help Call My Mom

When I found myself asking this same question, I went to the Hall of Public Records to do some research.

I found the following information to be very useful.

YUMMY

YUMMY

Imperial Paper Products ooperates primarily as a business-to-business operation, out of the public eye. The company has absolutely no retail sales, except for one product division: foam display boards. And this market is all but dead except for during science fair season.

“You’ll get your rare ‘Invention Convention’ or last-minute trade show customers,” Fred Swarsnson, a salesman at a local Office Depot told me, “But, science fair season is really where the money is for foam display boards.”

You'll never know because you are going to Mormon hell for being a bitch-boy.

You’ll never know because you are going to Mormon hell for being a bitch-boy.

Could it be that the One Spark festival is little more than a clever ruse to sell foam display boards? Thadeus Osgood did not respond to requests for comments on the issue and representatives of Imperial Paper Products did not return my calls.

When I dug into the company’s public financial records, I was amazed to find that Imperial profited $5M in a single one-week period. Which week was this? You guessed it: the week right before One Spark.

SBD

SBD

I asked Fred Swarnson if he saw an uptick in foam display board sales at his Office Depot location and of course there was. “That week was like, well like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and I’ve been here 38 years. Really, it was almost like the Fall of 1988, when Flight of the Navigator and Short Circuit came out in the same week and science projects were due the following Monday, the perfect storm.”

If you do not believe in conspiracy theories, do not read any further.

a.winner.com

a.winner.com

I think that the One Spark festival was conceived as a subtly elaborate plan to sell foam display boards. I believe that the festival is lining the pockets of the Osgood Family and their allies at the expense of other display media. I beleive that it does not stop with just this. If you follow the money, you may not want to see where it leads. I guarantee this conspiracy extends far beyond the Foam Display Board Industrial Complex.

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I think if I got a $250k one spark, I could glad-hand enough city council members to legalize cannabis in Duval County

Who’s with me?

You would just have to steer clear of the Florida Highway Patrol because weed would still be illegal in Florida.

But if the feds and JSO wouldn’t bust you for pot, you would have pretty good odds of not getting busted.

browsky

Don’t wait for John Morgan to get it legal in the state. We should go for it now in Jacksonville.

Pass the dutchy as hard as you can.

Vote for 420 dude.

Jacksonville Man Attempts Comedy on Internet, Suicide

Self-proclaimed “Cyber-Funnyman” Timothy Asner of Jacksonville’s Riverside neighborhood, known to some savvy websurfers as “The Duval Dude” faced righteous humiliation Tuesday after posting yet another humorous article on his now-defunct parody blog,www.duvaldude.info, that failed to resonate with the Jacksonville public, or any other human being in any meaningful way.

Asner claims that he worked very hard on the article and that he was initially very pleased with it, until a few hours after it was posted.  When Asner’s japes were met not by the Facebook shout-outs and Twitter retweets that he had hoped for, but instead with the internet’s customary cavernous indifference, Asner admits that he had second thoughts about the quality of the work.

The "Duval Dude" might be some punk kid.

The “Duval Dude” might be some punk kid.

According to the single person in existence who saw the post before it, along with the rest of the Duval Dude website, were unceremoniously erased from history, the comical writing was presented as a “satirical” news story; clearly a weak imitation, some might say, of those that are the stock and trade of the poster boys of the Internet Comedy Industrial Complex: The Onion.

“It was alright, I guess.  There was that one thing on there that was pretty funny,” raved Ryan Jordan, a coworker of Asner’s and one of the few people alive that ever knew that his website was once a thing.  “Most of it was the same tired shit any jerk craps out when he starts a blog.  Before he gives up on it, you know?  Writing workshop type shit.”

Screen cap taken moments before duvaldude.info was deleted.

Screen cap taken moments before duvaldude.info was deleted.

This particular piece of shit was absolutely no different than the pieces of shit previously posted to the site.  “What really pisses me off about it, is that it had this really great premise,” Asner explained between thoughtful sips of a local microbrew.  “It was all about the rapper Xzibit coming to Jacksonville to film an episode of Pimp My Ride and he was going to give a totally bitchin’ pimp job to a bunch of local food trucks, right?  And he goes “Yo, Dog!  I heard Jacksonville likes food trucks so I put a food truck in the back of all these food trucks so ya’ll can go to the food truck when you’re at the food truck!”  He takes another sip and sighs.  “Just kind of playing on the whole food truck thing, you know?”

If anyone in Jacksonville knows, they’re not saying.  The Jokey Journalist removed the post and dismantled the Duval Dude website at 10:47pm, Tuesday night, only six hours and thirteen minutes after posting the article and being soul-fuckingly ignored by the universe at large.  More on this story as it develops.

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TV Giveth More Breaking Bad Breaking Soon-ish

20130415-155655.jpg

In today’s installment of news you could easily google yourself, I present THE DATE THE NEW AND FINAL BREAKING BAD SEASON BEGINS.

Right now, we have just over 3 months until it starts. I think i’m going to rewatch the previous seasons to get pumped for the new season.

If you havent watched any BB, i recommend getting urself on Netflix asap and jamming the prior seasons out before july 15 yall.

There are only a few things on netflix better than star trek tng and this is one.

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Why is the FTU Allowed to Throw Those Little Garbage Ad Pamphlets in My Yard?

NO WAY PUNK

NO WAY PUNK

I am talking about the garbage ad pamphlets they throw in people’s yards who do not subscribe to the Florida Times Union. I am not talking about the garbage ad pamphlet + Ron Littlepage they throw into the yards of people who DO subscribe to the FTU.

I’m going to call the shit poop today yall. The shit is the litter that the FTU throws into my yard weekly, even though I have commercial relationship with them. I call poop on that.

You can’t just drive around town throwing ad paraphernalia into people’s yards. You have to at least hang an ad from a door knob like a pizza or Chinese dude. That’s fine. Maybe that should be the minimum for non-mail home ad delivery.

I guarantee more people get the pink ad paper than get the TU.

I guarantee more people get the pink ad paper than get the TU.

Who do I contact to opt out of the weekly garbage drop-off? I saw the dude throw it one time. He was in a maroon minivan. I wanted to yell at him but I didn’t.

I don’t think they should be able to just throw crap in everyone’s yard just because they happen to have a fleet of dudes driving around town throwing crap in people’s yards anyways.

If the FTU throws FTUs into people’s yards who subscribe AND they throw the ad paper into everyone’s yard who does not subscribe, then that means the FTU throws rolled up garbage into every single address in Jacksonville.

The main reason I canceled my Times Union subscription was because I got tired of picking up junk out of my yard everyday. It had nothing to do with the cost. They practically give it away. I think I paid $20 for 6 months. My 6 months ran out and they just switched me over to the ad pamphlet. Booooooooo.

QUESTION IN EARNEST:

Lawyers, newspaper-persons, can someone please tell me the legal difference between me throwing the remains of a Krystal number-1 out of my truck window into some jerk’s lawn on Park Street and the dude in the maroon minivan throwing the pink garbage ad pamphlet into my yard.

Seriously, let’s find out.

No TU

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Idea: Somebody Should Go 2 One Spark as this Guy

I would plop something in the bucket for any character portrayed by Phil Hartman.

I wonder if there was a dude like this pitching the monorail to Ed Austin back in the day.

Who all is going to One Spark? What are the game changers yall are interested in? I kind of want to learn more about all of the One Sparkerz. Party in the USA boi!!!!!!!!!!!

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Gwar Is Playing Freebird Thursday 4/25!!!

If you have never seen Gwar play, you have never seen shit.

I saw em play Club 5 back in the day. Changed my life.

Now your ass can see em at Freebird. It will kick ass because Freebird is a fairly small venue to see such a gigantic performance. Wear clothes you don’t care about because they will pee, spew, come and barf fake blood, pee, come and vomit all over you for like 3 hours.

Check this fucking shit.

Just like my boy Quintron, Gwar used to be regulars on shitty daytime TV shows. Watch them on Springer with classic asshole El Duce. And if you want to get mad at El Duce for singing “rape rock,” be my guest. But, the fat bastard died in 1997, shortly after this Springer appearance.

Fun facts: El Duce might or might not have killed Kurt Cobain and was apparently in the Screamers when he was a teen. The Screamers are an old punk band and one of my personal favorites. You should look them up.

Anyways, Fuck El Duce. ALL HAIL GWAR!!!!!!!!

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