And now yall have to deal with the website-within-a-website-within-a-website world I have created.
Yo, if yall jerks are anything like me, you have been bumping the Duck Sauce Duck Tape (below) for a while now and have maybe even tried googling some of the choice-ass tunes the Duck Sauce bros play in this sick-ass mix tape. I had the pleasure of running across Radio today and thought I’d pass it on. Enjoy: these jams, Friday the 13th and the weekend beyond. See yall on the other side.
Yesterday morning injustice reared its ugly head in a Jacksonville, Florida, Bank of America branch when Lord Humongous applied for and was denied a bank loan. According to eyewitnesses, Lord Humongous was visibly shaken and taken to tears upon hearing that his boat loan application had been denied. Humongous nor B of A representatives could not be reached for comment.
Election season is heating up and candidates have already begun qualifying. The race for Jacksonville City Council District 4, which is currently held by beloved brain doctor Don Redman, shifted into fifth gear today when a teal 1996 Chevrolet Z28 qualified for the race. Local political insider Stephan Bear gives the the dark-horse Chevy fair-to-moderate odds “considering it’s the Z28 model and that it came from the factory pushing 285 hp and 325 lb-ft of torque, plus it’s teal, which plays well here. For now we will have to wait and see as this election season revs up.
One Spark staffers and supporters were shocked this morning to learn of Executive Director Joe Sampson’s abrupt departure and replacement by crowdfunding outsider Lord Humongous. While details of the coup are still sparse, a source close to the organization has informed us that Sampson’s departure was amicable and that he welcomes the change. An aid to Lord Humongous reported that the new leader will be changing the title of his position from “Executive Director” to “Ayatollah of Rock n’ Rolla.”
A Jacksonville Sheriff’s Officer identified only by the surname “Jones” was placed on temporary suspension yesterday, as investigators look into an as yet unreported incident at police headquarters.
Jacksonville Jerk spoke with an officer at the scene, who reported that the incident involved “Helicopters, machine guns, spaceships and aliens or some shit. I don’t know, I didn’t see anything, but I could hear everything.” The officer also reported the presence of “all kinds of bleeps and bloops and some comical, well-timed farts”.
This is all the information available on the incident at this time. When approached for comment, Jacksonville Sheriff John Rutherford simply raised a megaphone to his lips and bellowed “Kiss my rosy red ass, Mahoney!” It is still unclear exactly what this meant, as well as the extent to which this “Mahoney” was involved in the incident in question.
Big changes are on the way for the Florida Times Union’s online news vehicle Jacksonville.com.
FTU editor in chief Terrence Terrel told the Jerk that Jacksonville.com is going to “double down on what we know works, mug shots.”
“We’ve been running a mug shots pilot, with at least one mug shots article per day, for a couple of months now, and the results are undeniable,” Terrel explained, “With the mug shots strategy, we are finally getting the clicks our advertisers have been craving.”
Starting August 1, Jacksonville.com will be a mug shots-only website.
There is no word yet on how many jax.com staffers will be retained after the format change. But a FTU insider has assured me that Gary T. Mills’ food column will be safe.
Residents of the River City and Chamber of Commerce members alike made prideful earnest nods at their computer screens this morning when they saw our own beloved ville’ listed among The List of the Top 1,000,000 Places that Exist in Reality published by The International Periodical of Information last Friday.
“It’s great to see all our hard work finally paying off,” said downtown entrepreneur Jake Tokeman, “I have been telling everyone all along that Jacksonville, Florida, is a place on land, that you can go to.”
City pride has never been higher than it is today in Jacksonville, a real place you can go to and do shit at.