A Jacksonville Sheriff’s Officer identified only by the surname “Jones” was placed on temporary suspension yesterday, as investigators look into an as yet unreported incident at police headquarters.
Jacksonville Jerk spoke with an officer at the scene, who reported that the incident involved “Helicopters, machine guns, spaceships and aliens or some shit. I don’t know, I didn’t see anything, but I could hear everything.” The officer also reported the presence of “all kinds of bleeps and bloops and some comical, well-timed farts”.
This is all the information available on the incident at this time. When approached for comment, Jacksonville Sheriff John Rutherford simply raised a megaphone to his lips and bellowed “Kiss my rosy red ass, Mahoney!” It is still unclear exactly what this meant, as well as the extent to which this “Mahoney” was involved in the incident in question.