Not one to miss an opportunity to appear in a photograph standing next to a person who did something, Mayor Alvin Brown regrets missing the opening of a new McDonald’s restaurant in Downtown Jacksonville last month. “It’s a wonderful restaurant!” exclaimed the Florida Times Union’s Gary T. Mills, Jacksonville’s only respected food journalist.
Brown addressed his senior staff this morning appearing visibly shaken upon learning of the new McDonald’s and his missed photo opportunity. “Look guys, you know I needed to be in on this,” Brown held back tears, “This is the next-fucking-level shit I am talking about.”
“I want to see a show of hands,” Brown stood up leaning over the conference table, “How many of you have ever had a McRib?”
“A MCRIB IS NEXT FUCKING LEVEL!” the mayor losing his cool, stormed from the conference room.
A senior Mayor’s office source who refused to speak on record indicated that it is unlikely that the mayor will be absent from any upcoming ribbon cutting, graduation, quinceanera, navy homecoming, teamsters meeting, punk concert, bar trivia, fishing trip, church council meeting, book club, 5k, health fair, sock hop or live radio remote for the foreseeable feature.
“Pretty much, if it’s a thing where a person can go and another person can look at a person, the mayor will be there. We can not let another SNAFU like McDonalds-gate happen again. I must not fail the mayor,” the source reported.
As a last-ditch effort, the Mayor’s communications director e-mailed me this picture to distribute on the web in hopes that some small children or less educated Westsiders might be led to believe that the mayor actually did attend the McDonald’s opening.
Sources with McDonald’s declined requests for comment, but did verify that the McRib is next-fucking-level-shit.