Mayor Brown Calls for Drone Strikes in Riverside

Mayor Alvin Brown Uses Mime to Demonstrate the Dangers of M2M Fallacio

Mayor Alvin Brown Uses Mime to Demonstrate the Dangers of M2M Fallacio

Mayor Alvin Brown announced Monday that the City of Jacksonville will be investing $244M in drone technology to surveil and eliminate gay threats throughout the city. At several times during his highly graphic speech, the Mayor used his hands and other body parts to crudely gesticulate what he called “homo-spiritual sex sins” committed by one one man upon another. The Mayor outlined a highly detailed plan for improving the city’s moral scorecard over the coming months.

Mayor Borwn's Secret Pastor was on hand to clarify any

Mayor Brown’s Secret Pastor was on hand to clarify any confusion over which specific acts of physical stimulation will result in immediate drone annihilation.

Not to leave any room for interpretation or vagueness in his plan, the mayor’s secret pastor was on hand to provide a list of activities that will be deemed unacceptable under the new drone program, which he named “Iron Gnome.”

The following activities will not be tolerated:

  • Rimming
  • Bumming
  • Pegging
  • Bunting
  • Scissoring
  • Hamming
  • Humming
  • Felching
  • Brass Trombone
  • Rusty Trombone
  • Dirty Sanchez
  • Glass Bottom Boat
  • Beaufort Taco Tuesday
  • Fort Building
  • Sally Riding
  • Mincing
  • Slurping
  • Mixed Icee Flavors
  • Excessive Plaids
  • Hummel
  • Phantom of the Opera
  • Flogging
  • Vlogging
  • Blogging
  • Blog-Whip
  • Torture Rack
  • Leather Tornado
  • Bush/Clinton Katrina Interfaith Fund
  • Reverse Cowgirl/Boy
  • Backwards Frankenstein
  • Pool Boy
  • Tommy Boy
  • Gunt Rides
  • Tractor Pulls

Brown said the first site of operation Iron Gnome will be Riverside, where he claims he “once saw a tall fine-ass ho with big-ass titties and a giant butt, but when I got up on her, she was totally a dude.

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