Jacksonville Man Attempts Comedy on Internet, Suicide

Self-proclaimed “Cyber-Funnyman” Timothy Asner of Jacksonville’s Riverside neighborhood, known to some savvy websurfers as “The Duval Dude” faced righteous humiliation Tuesday after posting yet another humorous article on his now-defunct parody blog,www.duvaldude.info, that failed to resonate with the Jacksonville public, or any other human being in any meaningful way.

Asner claims that he worked very hard on the article and that he was initially very pleased with it, until a few hours after it was posted.  When Asner’s japes were met not by the Facebook shout-outs and Twitter retweets that he had hoped for, but instead with the internet’s customary cavernous indifference, Asner admits that he had second thoughts about the quality of the work.

The "Duval Dude" might be some punk kid.

The “Duval Dude” might be some punk kid.

According to the single person in existence who saw the post before it, along with the rest of the Duval Dude website, were unceremoniously erased from history, the comical writing was presented as a “satirical” news story; clearly a weak imitation, some might say, of those that are the stock and trade of the poster boys of the Internet Comedy Industrial Complex: The Onion.

“It was alright, I guess.  There was that one thing on there that was pretty funny,” raved Ryan Jordan, a coworker of Asner’s and one of the few people alive that ever knew that his website was once a thing.  “Most of it was the same tired shit any jerk craps out when he starts a blog.  Before he gives up on it, you know?  Writing workshop type shit.”

Screen cap taken moments before duvaldude.info was deleted.

Screen cap taken moments before duvaldude.info was deleted.

This particular piece of shit was absolutely no different than the pieces of shit previously posted to the site.  “What really pisses me off about it, is that it had this really great premise,” Asner explained between thoughtful sips of a local microbrew.  “It was all about the rapper Xzibit coming to Jacksonville to film an episode of Pimp My Ride and he was going to give a totally bitchin’ pimp job to a bunch of local food trucks, right?  And he goes “Yo, Dog!  I heard Jacksonville likes food trucks so I put a food truck in the back of all these food trucks so ya’ll can go to the food truck when you’re at the food truck!”  He takes another sip and sighs.  “Just kind of playing on the whole food truck thing, you know?”

If anyone in Jacksonville knows, they’re not saying.  The Jokey Journalist removed the post and dismantled the Duval Dude website at 10:47pm, Tuesday night, only six hours and thirteen minutes after posting the article and being soul-fuckingly ignored by the universe at large.  More on this story as it develops.

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