In what many are calling the first casualty in the City of Jacksonville’s “War on Homosexuality,” the Houston Texans have canceled their scheduled appearance at the Jaguars home opener slated for a September 16th 1:00 pm kickoff at Everbank Field.
Texans head coach Gary Kubiak cited the Jacksonville City Council’s recent refusal to expand the city’s human rights ordinance to include protections for homosexuals as the reason for the cancellation. “Now I’m not naming names or anything,” Kubiak explained, “but several of my guys voiced concerns over possibly being victimized as a result of their orientations in what is clearly a very bigoted and violent city.”
Jaguars backup quarterback Chad Henne was interviewed by WJCT’s Melissa Ross and remarked on the cancellation: “Whatever bitch, a wins a win. If they don’t show, they forfeit. Jags win. Go Jags! Fuck you bitch.”
While many Jaguars fans have speculated, there is no way to know for sure to which Texans Coach Kubiak was referring regarding their orientations. When asked about the matter, Jacksonville Mayor Alvin Brown responded: “Sheeeeeeeit, how the hell am I supposed to know which Houston Texans are gay? They’re probably all gay. Shit, Houston’s mayor is some gay lady. I know for a fact their whole defense is gay. Antonio Smith, Brian Cushing, all them dudes are big old 250-300 pound gay guys.”
A spokesman for the Jacksonville Jaguars said no refunds will be given, but fans will be treated to a home opener match-up between the Jaguars and Robert E. Lee High School Generals.