Downtown Jacksonville, Florida
In what can only be described as an unfathomably lucky find, area man Steve Hilderbrand found the Higgs Boson today in the Duval County Courthouse.
“So, I was downtown at the courthouse with my wife this morning, fixing to get divorced,” Hilderbrand recollects, “and then I had to take a wiz. I drank a really big Mountain Dew on the way to court. So I popped in the first-floor men’s room, and there they were, just sitting on the counter, a nice little pile of bosons. When I picked them up and realized they were Higgs Bosons I almost peed/pooed my pants.”
Hilderbrand’s wife was so impressed with his discovery, she dropped her divorce suit.
“Finding those bosons literally changed my life and saved my marriage!”
UNF physics professor Terrence Carlysle was hesitant to comment on the record because the discovery “is just too new and exciting to get my mind around,” he explained.
“I mean, there are literally thousands of European PhDs chillin in some Large-Ass Hadron Collider looking for these little JuJuBees and it turns out you don’t need a Large Hadron Collider at all. Alls you need is this big-ass dumb new courthouse building and some Mountain Dew-drinkin dude. Fuck!”