12 Ammendments to the City’s Human Rights Ordinance Mayor Brown DOES Support

Despite Mayor Brown’s open disdain for the thousands of LGBT Community Members who voted for him based on his promise to support an ammendment to the HRO to include sexual orientation as a class protected from discrimination in Jacksonville, the Mayor isn’t all that bad of a guy. In fact, the Mayor actually supports the addition of several protected classes to the City’s Human Rights Ordinance. The following items have all been supported by the Mayor for addition to the Human Right Ordinance.

1. Protection from Discrimination for People Who Say “Pacifically” and “Irregardless”

“Read my lips. Words are hard. And it should not cost you a good job just because you talk real. Aight?”
-Mayor Alvin Brown

2. Protection from Discrimination Based on Movie Taste
“Lookit, I’m tired of the faces people make when I say I want 2 tickets to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon. It’s just a movie. And I want to watch it, ok. I don’t need your pimply high-school, box-office working ass silently judging me.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
3. Protection from Discrimination Based on Pet Preference
 “Dude, I am a kitty cat man. I can’t change this. I was probably born this way. If I love fluffy kitties and you love dogs, so be it. We must live in peace.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
4. Protection from Discrimination Based on No-Contract Cell Phone Company Preference
“Come on guys.  You know I love my Metro PCS but, shit, Boost had that one commercial with Jeezy in it.  That’s pretty cool.  At the very least, can’t we all agree that Virgin Mobile is basically for gay people?  I’m not saying anything against Virgin or gay people, but Virgin Mobile IS for gay people.  It is.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
5. Protection from Discrimination for Men Who Pee Sitting Down
“Now I am not that saying that I personally pee sitting down, but I’ve seen it a million times, a guy needs to take a leak somewhere public, like city hall maybe, and he doesn’t want to get piss all over his $700 suit pants, so he’ll slip into a stall and bust a squat-pee real quick and go about his business, but sometimes there’s other guys out in the bathroom, you know, they don’t say anything but you know what they’re thinking, right. That guy pees sitting down and I don’t respect him. This is wrong and I will fight to protect men from this discrimination.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
6. Protection from Discrimination Based on How Stupid You Look
“I need to say something about this, because I see it every day in this city and it just isn’t right.  You shouldn’t be denied opportunities just because your mouth hangs open all the time, or you get a stupid look on your face when you think real hard or just because the general look of your face might make you appear to be an idiot, a dumbass, a weenis or a dingus.  It is not right and it needs to stop now, people!”
– Mayor Alvin Brown
7. Protection from Discrimination Based on What Your Calvin Sticker is Peeing On
“It’s nothing new to say that there’s a lot of bad feelings between Ford Truck Men and them Chevy Riders.  But we can no longer let the urine stream of a cartoon boy on a sticker perpetuate this cycle of hate.  So, from today into eternity, I say, ‘Do not judge a man by the content of what his Calvin is peein’ on, but by the content of what is in his heart.'”
– Mayor Alvin Brown
9. Protection from Discrimination for People Who Do Not Have Bank Accounts & Prefer to Get Their Paychecks in the Form of Visa Gift Cards
“We must protect those, who by no fault of their own, always get declined by the pizza place because their pizza costs $18.17 and their card only has $1.09 on it because they had to put a flat-screen on layaway at the pawn shop.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
10. Protection for Discrimination Against People Who Prefer to Pull Their Socks up when They Wear Shorts and Sandals
“Lots of people from Milwaukee move to Jacksonville. We need to accept them and embrace their culture nuances, as strange as they may seem to us”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
11. Protection from Discrimination for People Who Jacked off Right Before Going to the Strip Club
“A man should not face the ridicule of dancers, bouncers or fellow patrons based solely on the fact that the club’s black lighting illuminates white spots on his pants, shirt and glasses. Under my administration, this injustice will not stand.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
12. Repeal the Truck Nuts Ban
When I first faked my way into the Mayor’s Office, I had one vision for the future of Jacksonville. A vision of freedom. Sadly, the flag of freedom is not waving today in Jacksonville. Trucks or even small cars need balls. Even if they drag on the pavement or swing off and bash you grandmother up-side her head, this is the cost of freedom. The freedom our forefathers fought and died to ensure for us. Everyone knows that things need balls. Together, we shall overcome.”
-Mayor Alvin Brown
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