Top 10 Things That Look Fun on the Internet but Suck in Real Life

1. Soccer.

Soccer looks so cool on the internet. Annimated soccer .gifs are rad. Wowwee! lookit that curve Bendind it like Beckman, yo.

But, no Soccer sucks. Watching soccer sucks. How can anyone be entertained by a 1-0 outcome in any sport? Also, screw playing soccer. What are you crazay? Most people looking at the Internet can’t run a mile in under 12 minutes, much less play one minute of soccer.

Fuck that.

2. Cats.

Fuck you, cat. Just fuck. you.

Awww look at that furry lil cutey. Yes, cats are entertaining on the Internet. But IRL, fuck cats. They’re entertaining for like 6 months then they grow up into the boringest animal possible and then theylive for like 19 years.

Fuck cats.

3. Bikes.

9 times out of 10 when ur riding in traffic, everyone can see ur butt crack, ewwww. So fuck you

Bike hipsters look so cool on the Internet. Look at all their cool bike friends! And it’s such good exercise.

Fuck bikes, forreal. Remember when you turned 16 and were like “I’m never riding a fucking bike ever again! I’m getting a car!”

Well, bikes still suck. You’ll feel like a piece of shit on a bike.

4. Skateboarding.

Can this be my life? No.

Nothing looks cooler than someone doing something rad on a skateboard on the Internet.

Get on one though. It just hurts. It sucks. Skateboards suck.

5. Videogames.

Awwww. This game looks sSssssick!!!!! Anyone got some pot or chores or ANYTHING else I could do.

Every dumb website is full of geeks being like “hey this new game is out and I love it and it’s so fun.” And all these other dudes on the Internet are all like “Yeah yeah me too!”

But go get that game. It sucks. You’ll play it for like 39 minutes and never think about it again because sitting around gaming is fucking boring.

6. Blogging.

Wow blogs are so entertaining to me. I bet it’s fun to be a blogger, being so entertaining.

Well, it’s not. Fuck blogging. All bloggers do is read other blogs and try to generate hits to their crap blog. Don’t start a blog. It will suck. Your blog will suck because you are not interesting and you won’t enjoy blogging. You’ll get tired of it after a couple of weeks. Then everyone will be like “remember that time so-n-so started that crap blog and then crapped out in like 3 weeks. Total crap. No follow-thru.”

Fuck blogs.

7. Insane Sex.


Lookit that furry. That looks like funs. I bet I could totally get. it. on. with some furry chicks-or-dudes one day.

Naw dog. It won’t be fun. You don’t really want that. Or do you. Maybe you do. Go for it buddy!

8. Music Festivals.

Finally, a fest for me.

Everyone’s like lookit who’s gonna be at Coolchella and Bunna Roo and some other shit. And then you’re like “if I just pay $399 to go in, I’ll see like 500 bands and it’ll totally be worth my money and I can have an authentic Woodstock-like experience.”

But in reality, you’ll probably have a Woodstock99 experience because camping in an alternative cesspit sux and all the bands u want to see will play like a 15-minute festival set and you’ll end up wathing some total crap bands just cuz u don’t want to give up ur blanket space or cuz there’s like free Snapple there or some shit.

9. Sick Hot Rods.

Go look at some sick hot rods on the internet and see if you aren’t like “sheeeeit man, I could get a Mustang Cobra II and drop a supercharged 5.0 in that shit and be like chirpin in all 5 gears too with a custom rattlesnake chameleon paint job and a hot-foot pedal.”

But your shit will suck and you’ll spend all your time on some dumb forum being like “Hey man, where’s the fuse box on an 88 civic? How do install an eBay turbo on a 96 corolla?” Is my spoiler too tall or too short?”

10. Having a job.

Lookit my cewl Halloween costume. I putted a pic on my facebook page. It is my favorite holiday. Nailed it.

Everybody’s all up in the Internet like trying to make their job seem rad and sometimes they do, especially if you’re like a fireman or a racecar driver. Then your job looks rad.

Dude, but since Mad Men came out motherfuckers in advertizing think their shit is so rad. They think their like Don Draper or Joan or Peggy or some shit, but for real their typing out crap all day like “Get energized at Tony Rad’s upscale Phoenix, Arizona, day spa. & Receive top-quality tire rotations and tune ups and oil changes at our upscale Denver, Colorado, auto shop. Contact us today for more information about weight loss products.”

Fuck yall. Fuck IT motherfuckers on the Internet and software developers and graphic designers too. Yall’s shit is boring. Yall can all suck it.

Having a job sucks. You suck.

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2 thoughts on “Top 10 Things That Look Fun on the Internet but Suck in Real Life

  1. Jane says:

    I feel so self-conscious about liking this, because I’m one of those bloggers with a crap blog who’s trying to generate hits. But I love this. And I love Joan.

  2. You’re one of the good ones!

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