Don Redman Accidentally Marries a Man

Don Redman, American Hero

Don Redman, American Hero

Charles Terp, Redman's "Wife"

Charles Terp, Redman’s “Wife”

“I honestly could not tell,” Jacksonville City Councilman Don Redman sputtered into his City Hall-issued Shure SM57 microphone grasped in his tiny hand last night. “It all happened so fast,” he continued. “Look at that damn long hair,” the Councilman was clearly exasperated.

Apparently, the outspoken bigot met the “woman” of his dreams in the city hall parking lot after a late night council session last month. “We just hit it off so well, and we shared all of the same intersts, like the Bible, NASCAR, whittling, the 700 Club, cup-and-ball, felching, bicycling, punishment, old-fashioned soda jerk uniforms, the film “Batteries Not Included,” anodizing aluminum, skeet shooting, the YMCA sauna, organic teabagging, and abstainence.”

When asked if the discovery of his own bisexuality would change his stance on the Human Rights Ordinance amendment before the Council, Mr. Redman responded that “I am not a gay, I might occasionally mistake men for women and vice versy and I have not actually seen a human vagina ever in real life, but I am a heterosexual-only man, and I have stu, stu, stated before and I’ll stu, stu, state, stipulate once again that I will vote in council as my First Baptist overlords command, so I will vote no to gays.”

Mr. Redman did not comment when asked whether he pees sitting down or standing up. It is, however, this reporter’s opinion that, when considering the preponderance of the evidence available on the subject, Mr. Redman does not pee at all, he excretes all liquid waste in the form of sour smelling yellow sweat.

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